Cat and Bear investigate . . .

Cat and Bear investigate: THE END OF CAT AND BEAR.

2009-09-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hello

i write as Bear, but my real name is Joseph Buckley. i started this site with someone who wrote under the name Cat, her name was Diane Cheng. we were both massive nerds and needed an outlet to anonymously vent all of our collected geekiness..

this is us in a moment of geekiness...

Me and her were together. it sounds kinda cheesy and whatnot but we saw ourselves reflected in each other's eyes. we fell in love, i loved her and she loved me. and with all honesty the past year that i have known her has been the best of my life. in lovng her i learnt to love myself and so i must also thank her. Diane gave thoughtlessly, Noble in a way that is rare nowadays, Diane was the purest hearted person i had ever met. I loved her with all of my heart, her talent was epic and her poetry was inspiring. She was the funniest, funnest most beautiful person i ever had the honour of knowing and loving, i

the pain of losing her is too much to be measured in words.

and i am so tired of this sadness so i share a picture we took during our happiest day together.

Diane Cheng 1992-2009

we started this site together and i don't have the

heart to continue it without her.

Rest in Peace Diane Cheng,

I will love you forever.

Joseph Buckley

Cat and Bear Investigate: early morning 5.30am discoveries

2009-08-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

when you put a spoon in your mouth and let your tongue slide over the curved smooth metal side it tastes metallic like blood.

CAT.
x

Cat and Bear Investigate: Why did God leave Samson?

2009-08-01T21:04:00.001-07:00

Either Samson was punished for: something which he had no control over; he was not the one who cut off his own hair.

Or, he was punished for: falling in love.

God left Samson because the cutting of hair was against the Nazarite Oath.

But he was a unconditionally loyal worshipper. He loved God.

And God left Samson to be tormented and killed because his hair was cut off.

That does not sound like a just excuse to me.

Cat.
x

Cat and Bear Investigate: Dollars

2009-08-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

I believe that American currency is rather ugly.
Agree? Disagree?

Cat...
x

(Yes, I did delete this post, and a few others. I apologise.)

Cat and Bear investigate: ROBOSEXUALITY

2009-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

because, really, who am i to tell a toaster and a microwave they can't be husband and wife?

Yours
BEAR

p.s. found on this excellent website.

Cat and Bear investigate: INSTANT KARMA!

2009-06-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

I guess it's time to lower the tone around here.

'bout time too, Cat was making it all Cerebral and stuff, with poems and junk...

I especially love the way the ambushers whooping laugh of victory is cut short.

YOURS,

BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: THE MICHEAL JACKSON-SIZED HOLE IN POPULAR MUSIC

2009-06-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

This is the end of an 'AGE' people, an 'ERA', an 'EPOCH'... THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!! Michael Jackson is Dead. and not like Zombie dead, dead dead, like, not able to be rebuilt with plastic.

the OFFICIAL story is that he died of a Heart Attack, but i know the truth people!! JARVIS COCKER WENT BACK TO FINISH THE JOB!

But on a real, Michael is, sorry . . . WAS the king of Pop, and as such, whenever any Monarch passes away a bitter power struggle rages away in the power vacuum left behind, so as a monument to the undisputed king of pop i have compiled a list of his heirs and their likelihood of being crowned King and taking control of the kingdom of pop. here is my list:

R.KELLY

R.Kelly definetly gets close with the whole Paedophilia thing and general creep factor but falls at the final hurdle by having a waning career and a lyrical back-catalouge that revolves mainly around ass. however i DO think he should do a cover album anyway. lead single: "blame it on the bootie".

KANYE WEST

Kanye definetly has the Egomania (and, some would say, the talent) to match the Late great King, but alas no sexual preferences (read: bald chicks) that count as truly shocking nowadays.

BREEZY

hmmmm, maybe if he hadn't backhanded Rihanna, maybe...

WEEZY

i could see Weezy attaining the status, but only if he engages in some serious sexual perversion and avoids the rock music, or maybe a drastic career change is what's needed for the man who embraces all his obstacles head on, he has given himself the prefix 'Little' for God's sake, I'm slightly (emphasis on the slightly) below average height and would simply die if somebody were to even mention my height in passing. so, props to Weezy for embracing his failings and turning them to advantages, i feel probably the only thing standing in his way at the moment is his perceived 'thuggishness' and whether or not the establishment will embrace it or force him to change (that said, we do live in an age where people say 'for real?' on BBC News without ANYBODY batting an eyelid, when that happened i nearly fell off of my chair.)

hmmmmm . . . after examining the candidates, i think that the truth of the matter is, Pop has no more need for a king. like the Tzars' Russia in retaliation for it's selfish and greedy ways, the music industry has had its back broken by us, the little people. how? i hear you ask; with downloads, with trillions and squillions and brazillions of downloads. WE have killed the King of Pop, the kingdom of pop has just become a revolutionary republic, utterly Marxist, totally utilitarian, where all artists are equal. equally broke.

Yours

BEAR

THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE DOWNLOAD!

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION IV!!!!

2009-06-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

i don't think i really need to explain this video. and i'm beginning to think that any over explanation only really detracts from the video. so in the future i'll keep the explanation on video posts to a minimum and concentrate on longer articles.

Yours,
BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: QUESTIONABLE BARACK OBAMA FAN-ART

2009-06-16T14:33:00.001-07:00

ROFFLE!

oh, who am i kidding? THIS IS THE SUPER BEST EVER!

Yours,

BEAR

also, check out THIS. triple super best ever.

Cat and Bear investigate: PLEASE SAY SOMETHING... a.k.a.THE BEST SHORT FILM EVARR!

2009-06-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

I urge you all to watch the above video. David O'Reilly is a genius.

i will be the first to admit that i toss the 'Best Ever' label around alot, and so, since i am unwilling to scale back my 'Best Ever' usage vow to create a new, more suitable term. and here it is . . . .

SUPER BEST EVER!

yes, this film is SUPER BEST EVER. deceptively deep, gloriously multi-layered and visually rewarding 'Please Say Something' is the SUPER BEST EVER. and truly beautiful.

here is a link to the film and here is a link to his personal webiste, feauturing lots of cool animation work for the likes of M.I.A and David Shrigley and suchlike.

Please, Enjoy.

Yours,

BEAR

also, watch out for the Cameo from God about halfway through.

Cat and Bear investigate: TWO SUNS

2009-06-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

Firstly, an apology to our avid (and hopefully existent) readers, for not posting a blog in ages.

Secondly, an apology to Miss Natasha Khan, as today I said her second album Two Suns was not that good, but I apologise because it's actually great; I was thinking in comparison to your debut album Fur and Gold, which was more or less flawless...

CAT.

ps. listen to "wilderness," the bonus track on Two Suns on youtube or something, it made me feel lovely and happy

Cat and Bear investigate: CITIES ARE DISGUSTING!

2009-06-06T21:28:00.001-07:00

Cities are disgusting.

Wretched hives of scum and villainy, governed and designed by imagination-less, shortsighted Morons and infested with idiots, it is little wonder that, far from being the wondrous marble and silver gilded utopias promised by olden days sci-fi, our cities are in reality colossal conurbations of concrete crap-tasticulacrity. Normally, at this point, i would vomit forth a detailed and vitriolic list replete with appropriate and comical pictures. And today is no different, BEHOLD my list of aggravating problems and their overly-idealistic solutions!

CARS

Cars are horrible. Buses are barely better and Vans, pshaw, don't get me started on Vans (not the trainers though, they're grrrreat!). It is fair to say that almost all of my grievances with cities have something to do with cars. Indeed when one fully weighs up the pro's and con's of the personal automobile it is easy to see that they are ultimately an impractical and selfish mode of transport. they are responsible for urban sprawl, air and sound pollution and they kill the rainforest. if you own a car you are killing the rainforest. why do you hate the rainforest?

My Solution:

bicycles for all. most people laugh when i tell them this but i'm absolutely serious.

my imaginary government scheme works like this: a family trades in their car and each member recieves a bicycle. all cars are scrapped to provide the materials required to make bicycles for whole country, the bicycle industry booms and millions of jobs are created, pollutuion levels drop drastically as do obesity levels (cos everyone has to pedal up hills). the result of my plan; an ultra fit and healthy Britain.

Cities have been built around Cars for decades now, it's one of the reasons cities are often so unnecessarily sprawl-y and big, once we do away with cars cities will be able to hold more people and things, they will be able to grow inwards, taking up the space once given over solely to cars (e.g. roads and parking lots). public transport networks will be solidified for movement between cities and some motor-ways will have to still be maintained but other than for industry all automobiles will go. can you imagine how much quieter it will be?

EDIT: someone mentioned the lack of water-proofing offered by bicycles. so in conjunction with a bicycle every person would receive also a top of the line raincoat to keep them dry and a jumper to keep them warm.

OIL

I'm sure your not an idiot (hey, your reading this blog and that's a pretty solid indicator of intelligence) but even if you were an idiot you'd know about the crippling cost of Oil and our crippling dependency upon it. i could ramble on about the ramifications of using russian and middle eastern oil and energy, the precariousness of the whole situation and how bad it all is but i know that other people can do that better and that's not why you come here, so instead i do what i do best and tell you about ...

My Solution:

Wind Farms, EVERYWHERE.

I'm not just on about out in the countryside and crap. oh hell no, I'm on about wind-farms EVERYWHERE. on top of every house, built into the sides of skyscrapers, EVERYWHERE. in my plans every single spot that has even a slight breeze will have a couple of wind turbines nearby. "But what about the Canadian Geese?" i hear you cry, "What about them?" i bark back, in my personal utopia (which is what i'm describing btw) i would have teams of people employed to scan the bases of wind farms to look for remains of geese ... TO EAT! yeah, you heard me. i want to eat Canadian Geese, what did you think i was joking when i said i wanted to eat as many different types of animal as possible? I was for real. obviously it's not windy all the time so i would also pour money into researching methods to increase the efficiency of solar panels and ways to tap geothermal energy.

PIGEONS AND RATS

By far and away the most disgusting aspect of urban dwelling is having to see vermin. for too long has man suffered the nips and bites of rodents and rodent-like birds. i'm sure you don't need me to tell you why these creatures are disgusting. so here i offer . . .

My Solution:

Air rifles for all.

That is my list, there are a couple of problems i didn't touch (such as Garbage, Sewage etc) but my excuse is that these problems are already being tackled on some level or they are too depressing to talk about but if you think i've missed something really obvious, or you disagree with me then i challenge you! i'm calling all the naysayers out! if you disagree, put up or shut up! i wanna hear what you think in the comments section. or not. whatever.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, just telling y'all that my world exclusive interview with Mr. Dogshit is coming right up very soon. and, um, Picture wise this is probably the most disgusting post i've ever written, and so i apologise if i have made anyone borrf or, even worse, if i have dissuaded you from eating.

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION no.3!!!

2009-06-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD! I HAVE A NEW FAVOURITE VIDEO!

Ok this one starts off weird, like really weird, gets weirder and then finishes off ... well, i'll let you see for your self. and whilst i sincerely hope this is all for real, if it's not, then this video is a work of utter artistic genius.

and Yes, the 'self-hospitalization' aspect is a little circuitous, but i feel as though this video deserves the title because A) he shouldn't have trained his Dog to lick his crotch whilst naked and B) he shouldn't have been hanging half way out of the window whilst naked. none of this would have happened had he had pants on.

all bad things are better when you've got pants on.

Yours,

BEAR

BTW, this vid was spotted over at 'Why That's Delightful' a delightful site written by none other than the living legend that is Graham Linehan.

Cat and Bear investigate: LAZY PICARD

2009-06-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

is everyone a nerd here? you are? good.

you simply will not get this unless you've watched at least five hours of star trek, if you have, well done (i guess) you are now qualified to watch this funny video. Well done.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, i haven't seen the movie yet and probably won't get to see it in cinemas, tis a shame, looks like it would have been good on a huge screen.

Cat and Bear investigate: ANIMALS I WOULD LIKE TO EAT

2009-05-29T10:24:00.001-07:00

food is the best. it really is. i really enjoy eating. so much so that if technology existed that could circumvent the digestive process as means of nourishment i would eschew it and eat like the savages of old. put shortly, I LOVE FOOD. i enjoy eating all types of food, even bad food, because it reminds me to be thankful for when i am eating good food. of all the foodstuffs available to me, i especially enjoy eating meat. Beef, Tuna, Lamb, Chicken, Duck, Rabbit . . . it's all good.

I consider myself an adventurous man, unafraid of trying new things and so sometimes . . . sometimes i find myself hungering for meats other than that which can be found on the shelves of our local Tesco. sometimes i want to eat animals that no one else has really eaten before, the last time i visited an aquarium i found myself yearning to try every fish in every glass case. so until i earn enough money to buy steaks of the world's rarest and juiciest animals (or until i learn the skills necessary to steal the animals from their respective protective enclosures and Zoos) I may only dream, and so here is a list of animals that i dream of eating:

PANDA

Pandas are universally renowned as God's laziest children. descended from the same ancestors as the mighty Grizzly and Polar Bears, Pandas (perhaps knocked into apathy by the stunning achievements of their cousins) have decided to slack off monumentally and become, dare i say it, Herbivores! These insults to nature as so lazy that they cannot even bring themselves to mate with each other and affirm the fate of their species. it is as if each individual is aware of the pathetic worthlessness of their existence, it's like they don't want to exist!

THEY'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING US TO EAT THEM!

preferred method of consumption:

Stir-Fried, in honour of their Chinese heritage.

ELEPHANTS

Elephants have this great wise old man mystique about them. they're like owls in that respect i guess (wouldn't like to eat an owl though, not enough meat on it). but anyways, Despite the fact they look like wrinkly old bollocks, i've always wondered what a big fat juicy steak of Dumbo would taste like. I imagine, if elephant meat was legal, it would be ridonkulously expensive, which only adds to the illicit allure. There's also something very 'Super-Villain' about eating such a beloved creature, something that has definetly made me want to eat it more. Elephants never forget and i'll never forget the great, great taste of Elephant!

preferred method of consumption:

A big fat juicy steak, cooked by a coked up celebrity chef in the finest restaurant of all London. served with truffles, caviar and eaten with Ivory cutlery.

ANACONDA

Any animal that is 'terrifying' enough to have had three movies made in its honour (one featuring Jennifer Lopez, no less) is deserving of a place in my belly. I'm into recycling and crap too and i notice that the Anaconda also has very shiny beautiful skin (as you can see in the picture above) which would make an excellent hat or pair of trousers.

preferred method of consumption:

Soup-of-Anaconda

MONKEY
Why? because YUM! that's why!

also, because it's the closest i can get to people without being officially declared evil or a cannibal. there are a couple of options here for consumption here i could go for a chilled monkey brains indiana jones style, or i could go down the alliteration route and enjoy some minced monkey meatballs.

preferred method of consumption:

fried whole. in batter.

Why? because YUM! that's why! Monkey is a pretty broad term encompassing many thousands of different species...

but there's only one species i want. those little guys in the picture above, i'll dip em in syrup, roll em in breadcrumbs and toss em in the deep fat fryer.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same?

YOURS,

BEAR

also, check out this site. sexual comedy? BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Cat and Bear investigate: OLD PEOPLE

2009-05-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

This woman is now OLD!!!

Obviously, no one really ever wants to grow old, BUT it comes to us all. even I, at the sprightly young age of eighteen, have managed to find a completely white hair just growing out of my face ... at complete random. at first i was taken aback, shocked, surprised, even a little elated. i thought i had pure silver coming out of me and i was some kind of latter day Golden Goose. BUT THEN the horror washed over me like some colossal tidal wave of cold tea (that's what old people drink, right?) and i realised that, from here on in, it was only downhill. my body had reached its biological peak and would only crumble and wither away from this point. this shocking reminder of my own mortality got me to pondering on the nature of death and it's warm up act, old age.

i feel most sorry for women. men seem to get a lucky break when it comes to aging and seem only to look better as time marches on (look at Al Pacino, he's still a straight up player, never been married and still humping away despite the fact that he is more wrinkly than an elephant's bollock)

when i look at the above picture i can't help but feel a twinge of sorrow, it chills my heart to know that that woman is no longer hot (and every hot chick will one day be old), and whilst i think we all know we're going to die one day and are comfortable with it, I wonder how many of us actually know we're going to be old one day and can accept it. I wonder how many of us are even consciously aware of the fact that in forty years time we will hate every song in the top 40, despise every actor, complain about the present by lying about how great everthing was in the 'Noughties' was and be as out of touch with the world as a satellite with a broken radio antennae and look like shit?

hmmmmm . . .

Yours,

BEAR

also, how great would it be if we could circumvent the whole problem of aging by placing our brains in robots? i would volunteer for that operation, that's how committed i am to making this vision a reality. ladies and gentlemen, i have a dream . . .

Cat and Bear investigate: BEAUTIFUL THINGS

2009-05-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently nursing a broken worldview, and thus, unable to provide my usual 'insightful witticisms' [read: bad jokes]. i have been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised what my life is missing. I have decided that Beauty is a horrifically subjective thing and Art is, ultimately, made only to please the artist and to seek to please others only cheapens your chosen form of expression.

i have, thus far, had a lovely weekend. spending time with wonderful friends and all without wasting effort or money, which makes me think, perhaps i don't need to put so much effort into life to get what i want out of it. perhaps, in this time of stress and exams, a weekend of simple pleasures and human companionship has shown me that i don't need technology to keep me occupied and seven messenger windows open to feel wanted. i've realised that the only thing that matters is people. real people. in real life. and so, to my announcement:

i am thinking of moving to the desert. who's coming with me?

and also, my current all time favourite saying, provided by a dear, dear friend is -

'idiot is another word for human.'

Beautiful.

Yours,

BEAR

also, i am going to buy a melodica. EBAY IS THE SHIT!

Cat and Bear investigate: ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF WARFARE

2009-05-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

War is a terrible, terrible thing. The wreath of peace is all too often obscured sweeping symbolism of destruction. The present and the past is littered by obscure and meaningless conflict. Sons, Brothers and Fathers marching off to get blown into little meaty chunks. The pain. The hurt. Iain Banks rightly said

"In all the human societies we have ever reviewed, in every age and in every state, there has seldom if ever been a shortage of eager young males prepared to kill and die to preserve the security, comfort and prejudices of their elders,"

So, if War is a defining characteristic of humanity and diplomacy is, well, boring (and much harder to make good thrillers out of) then let us explore differing methods conflict resolution. Here is a list of what i believe to be suitable alternatives:

DANCE-OFFS:

WHY???? Because A) look at how much fun they're all having, and B) the stakes aren't that high, they're all laughing sure but there is a definite edge of competition and C) I'd much rather lose a dance battle and be the butt of gentle jokes and mockery than lose at war and lose my legs. i like my legs.

CATFIGHTS:

seriously though, I'm sure you've all seen the crazy nationalism that goes hand in hand with competitions like the Miss World Beauty Pageant. if we could somehow start some dialogue with politicians and the pageant organizers to discuss ways to stage physical fights between the respective winners of each country to settle disputes between countries then I'm sure it would dramatically lower the number of worldwide deaths from conflict.

ASSAULT COURSES:

Now whilst the Dance Offs and Cat Fights are athletic (and sexy...) there's a certain lack of militarism, they are definitely not activities lots of people could participate in. Comedic assault courses however are mass activities. so you could definitely justify keeping the army.

POLITICIAN FIGHTS:

Or you could scrap the army altogether (saving billions on national defense) and just have the politicians themselves fight over their meaningless quotidian trivialities - this fight was over plans to build a road. here are some of Mexico's finest battering each other over a virtual nothing. if only all politicians were so dedicated to their jobs.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, Iain Banks is a badman author, you should read all of his books, also so is Cordwainer Smith . . . and Olaf Stapledon. Geniuses, one and all. Wiki their names and buy their books.

Cat and Bear investigate: BIRTHDAYS

2009-05-20T09:10:00.001-07:00

Birthdays are always weird and slightly depressing. Especially if you remember how terrible last year's birthday was, and therefore you try your very hardest to make this years as much unlike last year's as possible. And then you're successful, but the general rule is, that if you had a great birthday last year, the next one will be shit. This year's the shit year, so my only consolation is that next year's will have to be amazing. Because otherwise that's not fair to have two bad birthdays in a row..........

Birthdays also mean that you're growing older, and I don't particularly want to grow older, because it takes too long, and then afterwards it feels like it goes too fast. And anyway, they only like you when you're seventeen; when you're twenty one, you're no fun, according to Ladytron. So.. in another three years, my life will have finished its course and will completely lack meaning....

What else to complain about? Oh yeah, seventeen is the nothing year. Sweet sixteen is nice, because it means wahey, you're half way through teenagehood, and eighteen is nice, because it's a giant milestone and everything, but then seventeen is just like the weird No Man's Land/ purgatory/waiting room place in between. Eurgh.

Also, another bad thing about seventeen: for cats, seventeen is about eighty in human years. This may be my last blog. Hum.

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: SUPERMARKETS

2009-05-19T09:14:00.001-07:00

The subject of supermarkets came to my attention today.

Mainly because upon opening my Metro newspaper on the bus this morning, i encountered a giant advertisement for Marks and Spencers, which said that from tomorrow, to celebrate their 125th birthday, they will be selling things from a stall for :

1p.

It's quite shocking how this recession deep depression thingy has made all supermarkets so desperately desperate and paranoid that they are going to lose customers that, not only have they resorted to supreme bitchiness (ie."look! we have 12 baskets cheaper than ASDA!") but they have also gone down the route of, yes, selling things for 1p.

go chekc out marks and spencers tomorrow if you dont believe me! my mummy is.

FISHY.
CAT.
LOVE.
........

(p.s M&S, not that this is a bad idea or anything, it's actually a good idea that you're selling cufflinks and what-not for a penny, because im the one who is saving money.
But i bet that Sainsburys will come out with a similar scheme next week.)

Cat and Bear investigate: JIM CARREY

2009-05-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

I don't really care what anyone says. but, yO..

JIM CARREY IS THE BEST.

i think he's so good that even his non-comedy movies are good. seriously though, i was planning to say more but i don't think i need to, i don't think there's anything more to say.

Yours,

BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

2009-05-15T12:31:00.001-07:00

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

.........

......

...

Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: 15/05/09

2009-05-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Some observations:

1) the word "Philidelphia" looks kind of similar to the word "Paedophilia."

2) i don't like examining body people, (the ones who make sure you don;t cheat during exams) because they always have extremely distracting loud clacky shoes when they walk, and also i don;t like the way they look over your shoulder and breathe down your neck. Or, if it's a male examiner, i suspect, looking down your top. I also dislike the fact that they all sport furry moustaches, the women included, but that's just a general dislike, because moustaches are just weird in the first place.

3) Everyone seems to like stroking my notebook, but i hope that that's just because it has a really nice perforated texture.

4) All the options i took for A level direct me straight into the direction of Law, which disgusts me somewhat.

5) If you buy doughnuts, you HAVE to eat them the day you bought them, and not leave them in the larder for three days, because it ruins them, as I have discovered today.

6) Last year everyone loved Gok Wan and thought he was God, but this year everyone seems to hate the hell out of him and says that he deserves to die a painful death (something that involves him being impaled repeatedly by stilletto shoes.) I agree with the latter idea.

7) The expression "taking the piss out of someone" conjures up strange images. Therefore i feel slightly odd using the phrase.

8) A friend yesterday observed in a comicbook, the use of the phrase "as i was typing," as opposed to the phrase "as i was writing." The incidence of the present tense verb: "typing" instead of "writing" sparked off an interesting conversation exploring the possibility that in the near future, the profession of "writer" will be replaced by the profession of "typer" or "typist."

9) The picture above has nothing to do with this post, but it's just that i was listening to Royksopp today and i like the image, even if that album was inadequate.

That is all.

Love your furry feline friend/mate/chum/pal/soulmate/BFF,

CAT.

.............

Cat and Bear investigate: SWORDFISH

2009-05-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

I got really excited today because we were having swordfish for dinner, and because I’m a cat and i like seafood, especially odd sounding seafood, I was kind of looking forward to it. But then I got disappointed because it turned out to be kind of ordinary and unappealing, like a slab of white slightly watery fishyness. And the taste was all mashed-up; somewhere in between chicken and tuna fish. I didn’t finish it because I was so upset.

Apparently, according to many people, everything weird tastes like chicken. Crocodile tastes like chicken. Snake tastes like chicken. Rabbit tastes like chicken. I’ve not tried any of those, but if you’ve tried those and haven’t tried swordfish yet, well, you ought to know that swordfish also goes into the category of weird-food-that-tastes-like-chicken, and so isn’t really worth trying, since we all know what chicken tastes like.

Maybe because my mum made swordfish with soy sauce and spring onions, Chinese style, it didn’t really work.
Maybe if she'd made this instead? :

Paprika Swordfish with Kiwi and Chorizo Salsa recipe

ingredients
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

2 tbsp hot smoked paprika

4 swordfish steaks

100 g chorizo, cut into 1 cm dice

6 kiwi fruits, peeled and cut into 1 cm dice

2 tbsp fruttato Sardinian extra virgin olive oil

method1. In a bowl combine together the olive oil and paprika, rub liberally onto the swordfish steaks and put to one side to marinate while making the salsa. 2. Place a frying pan over a moderate heat and cook the chorizo for 3-4 minutes, then stir in the kiwi. 3. Heat a griddle pan or frying pan and cook the swordfish for 2-3 minutes on each side. 4. Transfer to serving plates, top with the salsa, drizzle over some olive oil and serve.

If you make any, please give feedback on whether or not kiwi and swordfish is a sane combination..

Love

Cat.

(p.s although that photograph is advertising swordfish in a postivie way. it looks yummy there)

Cat and Bear investigate: ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES WHILST TRAVELING THROUGH TIME

2009-05-12T23:46:00.001-07:00

A Scientist, I am not. far from it. i can not even legitimately call myself a man of science since my level of qualification extends to a C in GCSE and whatever i have most recently read on Wikipedia. despite my shallow scientific knowledge I, being of a literary disposition and thus knowing a great deal of unnecessary unnecessarily long words, am often mistaken for a someone with an intimate knowledge of the cosmos and its workings. i was asked by a friend about the possibility of and requirements for time travel. i, of course, did not know the answer but i tilted my head slightly, screwed up my eyes and hummed loudly to myself to make myself seem smart as i pondered the answer, i then excused myself and ran home in terror, scared witless by the hard cold walls of my own ignorance.

i say again, i am not a man of science.

i am, however, a man of words, the arts and fantasy. i put aside the tedious mental problem of how to go about travelling time and instead concentrated instead on the what. . .what i would do if i had the God-like capacity to bend space/time to my will. here my list:

SEE A DINOSAUR:

this is pretty innocent i think. i think you'd be hard pressed to find a grown nerd who wouldn't want to see a real live dinosaur. i know, sure as shit, that i would. i'd be all like;

'hello mister dinosaur how are you today? would you like some of whatever it is that you eat?'

that would lull the big dino into a false sense of security then BAM! i would . . .

KILL A DINOSAUR:

I'd be the first person ever to kill a dinosaur. I'd be all like:

'oh nooo! what a deppressing and totally unforseeable consequence of time travel! oh well, hmmmm instead of just burying this dinosaur and wasting it perhaps there's something i can do that would be more ecologically positive...'

which would be my cue to . . .

EAT A DINOSAUR:

why? why? because YUM! that's why.

seriously though, i can't be the only person that'se ever wanted to eat a dinosaur.

I am?

oh.

anywho, my preferred method of consumption would be in a cheeseburger format and after that fantastic meal i would then proceed to . . .

STEAL ALL DA GOLD:

i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to steal all of the worlds gold, i'm sure if your reading this your familiar with the concept of money (unless YOUR a time traveller too from the distant past). i would be the richest person ever. i would hide all of the gold in special hiding places then come back to now and spend it on useless shit i dont need and cocaine. alot of cocaine. not because i like drugs or anything but because its a rich people drug and being rich, it would be expected of me.

VISIT AMERICAN APPAREL:

I would come here to buy a golden tracksuit, you know the type i mean. all tight and shiny.

I'm not including this store as some sort of show of approval or advertising, just cos it's the only place where you could buy a shiny metallic tracksuit. or i guess i could buy one from the eighties or something.

but yeah, after i got my golden tracksuit i would go back to the past and shock all the past people with my sheer golden brilliance, they'd think i was a God and i would tell them that i was. yeeeah.

and then one thing would lead to another . . .

SLEEP WITH ALLLLL dA WIMMINZ:

again, i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to sleep with women. But how about this for a twist on the original, all of the hottest women in history??? eh? and i wouldn't just stop at movie stars and shit, there are literally thousands of other women. i would go for historical figures too; Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Boadacea, Marie Antoinette . . . they'd all get visits.

VISIT THE FUTURE, GET LASER GUNS (and if they have them, Gravity Guns)

after impregnating every beautiful woman in history i would go to the future and get lasers and shit. they wouldn't ask me any questions or think i was from the past because i'd still be wearing that golden tracksuit. they'd probably think i was one of them and be all friendly. i think i'd spend a couple of hours in the future and visit a museum to see how history had panned out so far and to see if any of my adventures had shown up on the records. and if they hadn't i would go back and try harder.

COME BACK TO NOW AND DO THIS:

I don't really want to do this, i don't have a grudge against anyone and i don't think of myself as a killer but by this point i would probably go crazy with power and just do it for the hell of it. just to see if i could . . . i would. and there would be nobody capable of stopping me but i think i would run out of hubristic murderous steam after a couple of collapsed buildings, i would give up dramatically. sobbing and crying. i would need a sobering influence, something to calm me down...

SLEEP WITH MO' WIMMINZ (from this time period though):

why? why? because YUM! that's why.
plus im willing to guess all those chicks from the past are kinda stinky.

'Cleopatra babe, your bathing in milk? in the desert? aww hell naww.'

i dont think i could put up with that for too long. . .

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same?

Yours,

BEAR

Also, check out this fantastic site. i found alot of images there, it's worth just browsing, it is a visual feast.

Cat and Bear investigate : LA ROUX

2009-05-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

What's with everyone's obsession with La Roux?

I love her hair, and she's got a really nice voice, but does anyone else think The Redhead's songs are kind of repetitive? Like I'll get into a song for the first thirty seconds, but then the der-der-der synthness in the background just goes on too much, and I can't explain it, but I just feel the songs don;t really go anywhere and just circle round and round.

& i feel that she's only getting listened to because NME is telling people to.

CAT

LOVE.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL ROBOT

2009-05-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

This robot looks cool
I wouldn't mind having a t-shirt with this on it.
But then again its eyes look kind of scary.

CAT
LOVE.

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION no.2!

2009-05-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's time to lower the tone around here. Cat was making it all cerebral and whatnot.

I got some good feeback from my last 'Self-Hospitalization' post so here's number two: This ones a little more grisly (pun definetly intended!) than the last one, but the obvious and shocking injury the man sustains is hilariously counterpointed by his adorable accent, drunken commentary, shocking lack of judgement and his cut-short catcall of 'YEEEEEEEE-' [HAAA]

a little more research into this video reveals that this guy is called 'Captain Video' (great name, is it too late to change the name of the blog?) and he was doing jackass-style 'stunts' on american cable television in, like, the eighties. very impressive and forward thinking.

i enjoy writing about people hurting themselves by accident, theres something poetic about the fact that they also managed to catch it on camera. i plan to do many many more posts like this, don't let me down World. keep acting stupid and providing me with me shit to write about.

Yours,

BEAR

also, i utterly utterly disagree with Cat's last post. Sci-Fi is the BEST. if you don't appreciate Sci-Fi there's something very WRONG with you.

Cat and Bear investigate: JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS

2009-05-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

<-----(LOOK! SPANISH SCI-FI! & that alien made me laugh.)

I love books.
I really love books.
Books are lovely.
Books are nice.
Nicer than a lot of things.

Like junk mail.
And really ugly dogs.
And having to get up early.

And mushrooms.

But then I get annoyed a lot. Because often you come across these really disgusting books. I mean, really bad, awful, horrible books. I mean. Like. Books with really bad covers. And books made out of recycled paper (although recycled paper's not actually that bad, since it saves the mass murdering of trees in the Amazon rainforest - it's just that books made out of recycled paper always seem to be a weird off colour brown, and have a dodgy sandy texture, and are kind of seethrough. Yeah.)

Well, what i mean is, you'll pick up a book. First thing that strikes you is the unfashionable, crudely drawn picture of, say, a dog that looks like a cross between a boar and a crocodile. Or, the photgraph of the two headed man with his eyes being torn out. Or, the not very nice picture of a naked woman, posing in such a way as to suggest that you are looking not at the front cover of a book, but at the front cover of a lewd magazine aimed mainly at a pubescent male audience. (And I have actually experienced a time when I desperately wanted to read at least three books - except they all had naked or semi-naked people gracing the front covers.) And you know, it's not nice. I want to pick up a book I can read safely on a bus, without looking like a sadist, or making publicly known my more "exotic" interests.

And it makes you wonder. What the hell were those people at Random House or Penguin or Hodder and other publishing companies thinking? If your one chance to grab someone's attention is the cover, well it makes sense to use something ridiculously eye-catching. But no-one is going to buy it if the cover is so eye-catching, you want to tear your eyes out.

Which is one of those reasons why Science-Fiction so abhors me. Science Fiction books are the worst culprits for this kind of thing. If you don't believe me, check out the Science Fiction department in the library. It's disgusting.

Love, (but no love to sci-fi book cover artists,)
Cat.

(p.s. now i have to find a picture of a sci-fi book cover bad enough to put here.. And also, looking at all those sci-fi covers, i realise i inevitably have to publish a post about sci fi in general.)

Cat and Bear investigate: FACEBOOK

2009-05-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever lived beside really noisy neighbours? (stick with me, i'm going somewhere with this)

In the daytime they don't seem to be bad people; they are courteous enough to say hello when you pass them in the street, all of their children are polite and whilst you may have never invited each other into your respective houses there is a sense of mutual respect solid enough to warrant the lending of a cup of sugar in a time of need.

BUT when the earth rolls about 'pon its axis and nighttime comes to greet us a hideous change takes place within the well-meaning and mild-mannered household next door. despite their cordial public nature they suddenly transform into loud shouty bastards with souls as black as ice on asphalt, participating in insane screaming matches and the throwing of crockery. the pressure of staying civil throughout the day is obviously too much for this poor family, and so, to stay sane they must broadcast all of their most shocking and bizarre secrets, thoughts and prejudices at the very top of their voices to half of the street.

the first time this happens you resolve to confront someone ... anyone from the family about their shocking behaviour, walking back from the newsagents you bump into the mother of the brood almost by accident, she is a small woman, barely five foot tall, and scrawny. you confront her, not rudely (for you have prepared for the possibility of marriage breakdown or mental illness), asking why she was so loud last night. she stares at you with empty blue eyes and swears she knows not of what you speak, you press further for answers but are met only with claims of ignorance and innocence but she apologises nonetheless and assures you that whatever you heard will not be heard again. shaken and with a look of shame she scuttles off down the street not looking back, you feel like a bad person but are glad that you have had an answer (of sorts) and have resolved the situation.

that night she screams at her husband and children with such intensity as to shake books loose from the nearest shelf and to make the vase on the table vibrate sonorously like a tuning fork...

have you ever lived beside people like this?

to me this is exactly what facebook is like.

no lie, alot of the people in my friends list aren't really friends at all. in fact, my 'friends' break down into something like this:

as you can see the majority of my friends are utter strangers that i know only by name. facebook is a wonderful thing, in its original context it takes advantage of the most beautiful things about the internet; its ability to bring people together. by its very design facebook is a visually sterile tool for networking. BUT for some reason people post and say things that are clearly meant for a small amount number of very close friends. when it boils own to it my real gripe with facebook is people putting such personal things on facebook that i feel like a voyeur when my eyes slip over it on my newsfeed. Whatever it is, I really really don't want to know, so please for the sake of all mankind, think before you post.

because . . .

i don't care about your views on social reform and the credit crunch.

i don't want to know i don't want to know if you just got dumped.

i don't want to know if you think your dangerously close to suicide

i don't need to know if your pregnant and scared.

so yeah, to reiterate, THINK BEFORE YOU POST.

thank you and goodnight.

yours,

BEAR

for those who are still at a loss as to what Facebook is really for, allow XKCD to educate you. oh, and i am planning a post on how to retaliate against loud neighbours that shall be posted very soon.

Cat and Bear investigate: THE FUTURE OF ONE GEORGE W. BUSH

2009-05-11T20:38:00.000-07:00

There is a 'W' shaped hole in my life.

It goes without saying that November the 4th 2008 was a good day for the world but it was also a terrible terrible day for comedy. As the days Post-W pass without calamity i find myself inadvertently missing the cheeky smile, the fumbling hands, the misplaced confidence and, of course, the charming and numerous bush-isms.

YES he bum-raped the economy, YES he is responsible for like 800,000 dead people, YES he ran the world like a two dimensional saturday morning cartoon villain but in spite of all this (or perhaps because of it) I miss him.

Maybe i miss being able to blame someone for just how shitty the world is sometimes, that seems most likely and would explain people's random hostility towards Obama when he has yet to do anything spectacularly bad.

I doubt george bush ever intended to be so evil and i think if he apologised to the world most people would be willing to forgive. the question that now hangs over him however is 'what to do with all the spare time?' i have a novel solution to this dilemma. i propose ol' George Jr becomes a television talk show host. it doesn't even need to be on a big channel, it could just be on a youtube channel. in fact that would be far more convenient then everybody could watch, I'm sure he would have lots of guests, lots of people would want to talk to him. even if he doesn't become a talk show host he should at least go on some talk shows. i would still watch. I also think he would make a fine stand up.

and so i close by saying 'Come Back George, but not to any position of power or influence, Come Back!'

Yours,

BEAR

did you know: the 'W' stands for Walker. WTF? also, check out Ukraine's PM, kinda alright eh?

Cat and Bear investigate: GREAT GORILLAZ DOCUMENTARY STREAMING FREE NOW

2009-05-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

If your anything like me you have good taste in music. if you have good taste in music odds are you own a CD by Gorillaz. The first CD i ever bought was by Gorillaz, Ah memories.

There's a fantastic new documentary called 'Bananaz' that follows Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett around from the beginning through the peaks and troughs, from the first concept sketches to the sell out shows in Harlem's Apollo Theatre. to the credit of all involved it achieves everything a good documentary should, showcasing the creative genius and skewed humour of Hewlett and Albarn. best of all the documentary makes you feel as though you, the viewer, has achieved something, been part of it all.

I couldn't recommend it more.

even if you don't like Gorillaz (or good music, I'm looking at you Cat) It's great just to hear their charming, chirpy little cockney accents slagging off all in vicinity. something for everyone.

CHECK IT OUT NOW BEFORE IT GETS TAKEN DOWN

Yours,

BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: TOP THREE MUSICIANS I LOVE THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER HEARD OF

2009-05-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

I like music, i really do. I like music so much that when i download leaked songs i always make sure i buy the album no matter how terrible it ends up being (i'm looking at you Asher Roth's first album). I like music so much that i am seriously considering investing in vinyl, a technology that hasn't been relevant for decades. thats how much i like music.

so, motivated by digital guilt and a genuine sense of respect, i have been inspired to use this site to educate the World (i.e. all two of the people who regularly read this site) of the artists i love and that i think you should love too.

3. CADENCE WEAPON

i'm really dissapointed in Cadence Weapon at the moment, when he came out he had this crazy, never-heard-before, dystopian IDM/Hip Hop sound going on and, to my young ears, it sounded like the future, i assured everyone i knew that they would be listening to him by next year.

It's a sad fact of life but sometimes we all buy into the newest happening fad in a desperate effort to look cool, in the spirit of transparency i'll admit that i once bought a pair of skinny jeans only to throw them away a week later when a friend told me just how stupid i looked in them, but i'll admit it. Sure, i looked silly, lost alot of credibility and probably irrevocably damaged my sperm producing abilities but at least i knew the fashion didn't suit me and I walked away. I saw sense in time and realised i wasn't designed for skinny jeans.

Cadence Weapon on the other hand obviously spent the time between 'Breaking Kayfabe' and 'After Party Babies' listening to alot of Grime music, M.I.A and Justice and decided that he could do that too, and better! Cadence discarded his wonderfully subtle and verbose method of lyrical delivery and production replacing it with obnoxious shouty dance rap.

Cadence Weapon managed to make the switch from hyper-intelligent super underground king to a perpetually out of breath party boy doing a bad impression of Jammer and hamming it up badly enough to make even Uffie embarrassed. Dude needs to get back to some BPMs that he can handle ASAP and leave the party rap to people that still get invited to parties.

yeah you cross your fingers Boyo! you need all the luck you can get.

2. FLYING LOTUS

i feel silly cos i spent so long talking about Cadence Weapon and now i have little to say about the others, they're doing so well. i don't hate Cadence, i just feel as though the right encouragement might give him the proper incentive to fufill his true potential. . .

TRY HARDER GOD DAMMIT!

My biggest regret of the last six months was missing Flying Lotus when he came to my city. Flying Lotus is a bona fide genius. he delivered a damn near flawless album in 'Los Angeles'; a shimmering, cohesive and utterly brazen trip through some crazy dubby, echoey world that only Flying Lotus knows the way to and back from.

i tell everyone i meet about Flying Lotus, one day i'll meet someone who knows what I'm talking about without mistaking me for a zealous hindu looking for souls to convert, and they will engage me in wonderful conversation and we will fall in love (if said person happens to be a woman.)

all of which leads me wonderfully onto the subject of . . .

1. NIKKI MINAJ

Nikki Minaj is great, and not just because she looks like she stepped straight out of my fevered sexual psyche, Nikki Minaj is great because when she raps she still manages to sound feminine, and to me thats really important. really, really important. because if your going to be a better rapper than me i'd appreciate it if you sounded like a girl too.

Yours,

BEAR

in hindsight, perhaps i was a little harsh on poor old Cadence Weapon. i feel kind of bad especially after all the love i showed the other two. NO, you've got to be cruel to be kind. EARN MY LOVE CADENCE, EAAAAAARN IT!!!

Cat and Bear investigate: AMERICANIZATION

2009-05-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well.

Even Bear has started saying “pants” instead of trousers [check last blog] and it is a subject matter that worries me.

Also people who spell colour as "color" and centre as "center" are just wrong.

And Ronald Mcdonald has always freaked me out, especially when they gave him a 21st century makeover so that he looked more digital and wore rollerskates, to prove that Mcdonald's is still down with the kids AND it promotes fitness.

I suggest you read Jpod by Douglas Coupland; it confronts the issue of Ronald Mcdonald, amongst other things, in a very effective and humourous way.

....................

& Wow. Google images is fun.

cat.

Cat and Bear investigate: THE SUBJECT OF CAT IN MORE DETAIL, BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE IT

2009-05-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

Hello. I am Cat.
My birth name is miaowwwneowhmeow, but to avoid complication, you may just call me Cat.

I must be the first of the feline kind to ever create a blog. It’s rather exciting. My friend Bear is also probably the first of the teddy kind to also do so.
Wow. Interesting stuffs are happening.

I am one year and 11 months old in cat years, which is not very old in human years, and youngishly young in cat years. After conquering the blogging world, I plan to set my paws on world-wide domination, in which I foresee a future that includes a lot of fish in it.

Things I like include: purring, scratching arm chairs, chomping birds, climbing trees, and making beautiful cat music at 3 o clock in the morning.

Other uncharacteristic cat things I like include, coffee, and blogging, of course. I also quite like Times New Roman.

Also my most favourite thing in the world is fish, and that’s why Bear is cool as we both share a mutual interest in salmon.

Yawn. That’s about it for now.
I’m off to have a catnap.

Love
Cat.

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION

2009-05-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

This video is the best EVER. No matter what i say, between now and eternity THIS video will hold the number one spot in my heart. I will never love another video as i have loved this one. It is a perfect demonstration of mans hubris. I love this video so much that in the far, far future when all the humans and bears and cats are gone and there is nothing on earth save endless desert and rubbish tip, i want this video to be sent into space so that all other races of intelligent beings may learn from the mistakes of Earth.

Yours,

BEAR

also, where and when were those pants EVER fashionably acceptable?

Cat and Bear investigate: THE INTERNET

2009-05-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

BEHOLD: THE INTERNETS!

what can one say about the internet? what pithy string of words can adequately represent all of the information collated by man over the last couple thousand years and then digitized...

very little.

so instead i think it would probably be a more profitable use of our time to tell you a little about ourselves. I am Bear, i am a bear and i live in the woods. my friend is called Cat, she is a cat and she lives in a semi-detached with central heating that is always set a little too high.

what do we do?

well in between my climbing of trees, eating of honey and protesting against the vicious stereotypes of bears routinely paraded before our eyes each night on the local news, i like to write. So does Cat. so we both decided to do a blog,

for . . .

well.

for no real reason really, boredom i guess but regardless, we shall make it our mission to provide pressing reports on pressing issues, reviews on less pressing issues and rants about the least pressing issues.

i hope you enjoy reading as much as i hope we enjoy writing.

yours,

BEAR