Cities are disgusting. Wretched hives of scum and villainy, governed and designed by imagination-less, shortsighted Morons and infested with idiots, it is little wonder that, far from being the wondrous marble and silver gilded utopias promised by olden days sci-fi, our cities are in reality colossal conurbations of concrete crap-tasticulacrity. Normally, at this point, i would vomit forth a detailed and vitriolic list replete with appropriate and comical pictures. And today is no different, BEHOLD my list of aggravating problems and their overly-idealistic solutions!
CARS
Cars are horrible. Buses are barely better and Vans, pshaw, don't get me started on Vans (not the trainers though, they're grrrreat!). It is fair to say that almost all of my grievances with cities have something to do with cars. Indeed when one fully weighs up the pro's and con's of the personal automobile it is easy to see that they are ultimately an impractical and selfish mode of transport. they are responsible for urban sprawl, air and sound pollution and they kill the rainforest. if you own a car you are killing the rainforest. why do you hate the rainforest?
My Solution:
bicycles for all. most people laugh when i tell them this but i'm absolutely serious.
my imaginary government scheme works like this: a family trades in their car and each member recieves a bicycle. all cars are scrapped to provide the materials required to make bicycles for whole country, the bicycle industry booms and millions of jobs are created, pollutuion levels drop drastically as do obesity levels (cos everyone has to pedal up hills). the result of my plan; an ultra fit and healthy Britain.
Cities have been built around Cars for decades now, it's one of the reasons cities are often so unnecessarily sprawl-y and big, once we do away with cars cities will be able to hold more people and things, they will be able to grow inwards, taking up the space once given over solely to cars (e.g. roads and parking lots). public transport networks will be solidified for movement between cities and some motor-ways will have to still be maintained but other than for industry all automobiles will go. can you imagine how much quieter it will be?
EDIT: someone mentioned the lack of water-proofing offered by bicycles. so in conjunction with a bicycle every person would receive also a top of the line raincoat to keep them dry and a jumper to keep them warm.
OIL
I'm sure your not an idiot (hey, your reading this blog and that's a pretty solid indicator of intelligence) but even if you were an idiot you'd know about the crippling cost of Oil and our crippling dependency upon it. i could ramble on about the ramifications of using russian and middle eastern oil and energy, the precariousness of the whole situation and how bad it all is but i know that other people can do that better and that's not why you come here, so instead i do what i do best and tell you about ...
My Solution:
Wind Farms, EVERYWHERE.
I'm not just on about out in the countryside and crap. oh hell no, I'm on about wind-farms EVERYWHERE. on top of every house, built into the sides of skyscrapers, EVERYWHERE. in my plans every single spot that has even a slight breeze will have a couple of wind turbines nearby. "But what about the Canadian Geese?" i hear you cry, "What about them?" i bark back, in my personal utopia (which is what i'm describing btw) i would have teams of people employed to scan the bases of wind farms to look for remains of geese ... TO EAT! yeah, you heard me. i want to eat Canadian Geese, what did you think i was joking when i said i wanted to eat as many different types of animal as possible? I was for real. obviously it's not windy all the time so i would also pour money into researching methods to increase the efficiency of solar panels and ways to tap geothermal energy.
PIGEONS AND RATS
By far and away the most disgusting aspect of urban dwelling is having to see vermin. for too long has man suffered the nips and bites of rodents and rodent-like birds. i'm sure you don't need me to tell you why these creatures are disgusting. so here i offer . . .
My Solution:
Air rifles for all.
That is my list, there are a couple of problems i didn't touch (such as Garbage, Sewage etc) but my excuse is that these problems are already being tackled on some level or they are too depressing to talk about but if you think i've missed something really obvious, or you disagree with me then i challenge you! i'm calling all the naysayers out! if you disagree, put up or shut up! i wanna hear what you think in the comments section. or not. whatever.
Yours,
BEAR
Also, just telling y'all that my world exclusive interview with Mr. Dogshit is coming right up very soon. and, um, Picture wise this is probably the most disgusting post i've ever written, and so i apologise if i have made anyone borrf or, even worse, if i have dissuaded you from eating.
