food is the best. it really is. i really enjoy eating. so much so that if technology existed that could circumvent the digestive process as means of nourishment i would eschew it and eat like the savages of old. put shortly, I LOVE FOOD. i enjoy eating all types of food, even bad food, because it reminds me to be thankful for when i am eating good food. of all the foodstuffs available to me, i especially enjoy eating meat. Beef, Tuna, Lamb, Chicken, Duck, Rabbit . . . it's all good. I consider myself an adventurous man, unafraid of trying new things and so sometimes . . . sometimes i find myself hungering for meats other than that which can be found on the shelves of our local Tesco. sometimes i want to eat animals that no one else has really eaten before, the last time i visited an aquarium i found myself yearning to try every fish in every glass case. so until i earn enough money to buy steaks of the world's rarest and juiciest animals (or until i learn the skills necessary to steal the animals from their respective protective enclosures and Zoos) I may only dream, and so here is a list of animals that i dream of eating:
PANDA
Pandas are universally renowned as God's laziest children. descended from the same ancestors as the mighty Grizzly and Polar Bears, Pandas (perhaps knocked into apathy by the stunning achievements of their cousins) have decided to slack off monumentally and become, dare i say it, Herbivores! These insults to nature as so lazy that they cannot even bring themselves to mate with each other and affirm the fate of their species. it is as if each individual is aware of the pathetic worthlessness of their existence, it's like they don't want to exist!
THEY'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING US TO EAT THEM!
preferred method of consumption:
Stir-Fried, in honour of their Chinese heritage.
ELEPHANTS
Elephants have this great wise old man mystique about them. they're like owls in that respect i guess (wouldn't like to eat an owl though, not enough meat on it). but anyways, Despite the fact they look like wrinkly old bollocks, i've always wondered what a big fat juicy steak of Dumbo would taste like. I imagine, if elephant meat was legal, it would be ridonkulously expensive, which only adds to the illicit allure. There's also something very 'Super-Villain' about eating such a beloved creature, something that has definetly made me want to eat it more. Elephants never forget and i'll never forget the great, great taste of Elephant!
preferred method of consumption:
A big fat juicy steak, cooked by a coked up celebrity chef in the finest restaurant of all London. served with truffles, caviar and eaten with Ivory cutlery.
ANACONDA
Any animal that is 'terrifying' enough to have had three movies made in its honour (one featuring Jennifer Lopez, no less) is deserving of a place in my belly. I'm into recycling and crap too and i notice that the Anaconda also has very shiny beautiful skin (as you can see in the picture above) which would make an excellent hat or pair of trousers.
preferred method of consumption:
Soup-of-Anaconda
MONKEY
Why? because YUM! that's why! also, because it's the closest i can get to people without being officially declared evil or a cannibal. there are a couple of options here for consumption here i could go for a chilled monkey brains indiana jones style, or i could go down the alliteration route and enjoy some minced monkey meatballs.
preferred method of consumption:
fried whole. in batter.
Why? because YUM! that's why! Monkey is a pretty broad term encompassing many thousands of different species...
but there's only one species i want. those little guys in the picture above, i'll dip em in syrup, roll em in breadcrumbs and toss em in the deep fat fryer.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same?
YOURS,
BEAR
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