A Scientist, I am not. far from it. i can not even legitimately call myself a man of science since my level of qualification extends to a C in GCSE and whatever i have most recently read on Wikipedia. despite my shallow scientific knowledge I, being of a literary disposition and thus knowing a great deal of unnecessary unnecessarily long words, am often mistaken for a someone with an intimate knowledge of the cosmos and its workings. i was asked by a friend about the possibility of and requirements for time travel. i, of course, did not know the answer but i tilted my head slightly, screwed up my eyes and hummed loudly to myself to make myself seem smart as i pondered the answer, i then excused myself and ran home in terror, scared witless by the hard cold walls of my own ignorance.
i say again, i am not a man of science.
i am, however, a man of words, the arts and fantasy. i put aside the tedious mental problem of how to go about travelling time and instead concentrated instead on the what. . .what i would do if i had the God-like capacity to bend space/time to my will. here my list:
SEE A DINOSAUR:
this is pretty innocent i think. i think you'd be hard pressed to find a grown nerd who wouldn't want to see a real live dinosaur. i know, sure as shit, that i would. i'd be all like;
'hello mister dinosaur how are you today? would you like some of whatever it is that you eat?'
that would lull the big dino into a false sense of security then BAM! i would . . .
KILL A DINOSAUR:
I'd be the first person ever to kill a dinosaur. I'd be all like:
'oh nooo! what a deppressing and totally unforseeable consequence of time travel! oh well, hmmmm instead of just burying this dinosaur and wasting it perhaps there's something i can do that would be more ecologically positive...'
which would be my cue to . . .
EAT A DINOSAUR:
why? why? because YUM! that's why.
seriously though, i can't be the only person that'se ever wanted to eat a dinosaur.
I am?
oh.
anywho, my preferred method of consumption would be in a cheeseburger format and after that fantastic meal i would then proceed to . . .
STEAL ALL DA GOLD:
i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to steal all of the worlds gold, i'm sure if your reading this your familiar with the concept of money (unless YOUR a time traveller too from the distant past). i would be the richest person ever. i would hide all of the gold in special hiding places then come back to now and spend it on useless shit i dont need and cocaine. alot of cocaine. not because i like drugs or anything but because its a rich people drug and being rich, it would be expected of me.
VISIT AMERICAN APPAREL:
I would come here to buy a golden tracksuit, you know the type i mean. all tight and shiny.
I'm not including this store as some sort of show of approval or advertising, just cos it's the only place where you could buy a shiny metallic tracksuit. or i guess i could buy one from the eighties or something.
but yeah, after i got my golden tracksuit i would go back to the past and shock all the past people with my sheer golden brilliance, they'd think i was a God and i would tell them that i was. yeeeah.
and then one thing would lead to another . . .
SLEEP WITH ALLLLL dA WIMMINZ:
again, i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to sleep with women. But how about this for a twist on the original, all of the hottest women in history??? eh? and i wouldn't just stop at movie stars and shit, there are literally thousands of other women. i would go for historical figures too; Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Boadacea, Marie Antoinette . . . they'd all get visits.
VISIT THE FUTURE, GET LASER GUNS (and if they have them, Gravity Guns)
after impregnating every beautiful woman in history i would go to the future and get lasers and shit. they wouldn't ask me any questions or think i was from the past because i'd still be wearing that golden tracksuit. they'd probably think i was one of them and be all friendly. i think i'd spend a couple of hours in the future and visit a museum to see how history had panned out so far and to see if any of my adventures had shown up on the records. and if they hadn't i would go back and try harder.
COME BACK TO NOW AND DO THIS:
I don't really want to do this, i don't have a grudge against anyone and i don't think of myself as a killer but by this point i would probably go crazy with power and just do it for the hell of it. just to see if i could . . . i would. and there would be nobody capable of stopping me but i think i would run out of hubristic murderous steam after a couple of collapsed buildings, i would give up dramatically. sobbing and crying. i would need a sobering influence, something to calm me down...
SLEEP WITH MO' WIMMINZ (from this time period though):
why? why? because YUM! that's why.
plus im willing to guess all those chicks from the past are kinda stinky.
'Cleopatra babe, your bathing in milk? in the desert? aww hell naww.'
i dont think i could put up with that for too long. . .
AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same?
Yours,
BEAR
Also, check out this fantastic site. i found alot of images there, it's worth just browsing, it is a visual feast.
