Cat and Bear investigate: LAZY PICARD

is everyone a nerd here? you are? good.

you simply will not get this unless you've watched at least five hours of star trek, if you have, well done (i guess) you are now qualified to watch this funny video. Well done.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, i haven't seen the movie yet and probably won't get to see it in cinemas, tis a shame, looks like it would have been good on a huge screen.

Cat and Bear investigate: ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES WHILST TRAVELING THROUGH TIME

A Scientist, I am not. far from it. i can not even legitimately call myself a man of science since my level of qualification extends to a C in GCSE and whatever i have most recently read on Wikipedia. despite my shallow scientific knowledge I, being of a literary disposition and thus knowing a great deal of unnecessary unnecessarily long words, am often mistaken for a someone with an intimate knowledge of the cosmos and its workings. i was asked by a friend about the possibility of and requirements for time travel. i, of course, did not know the answer but i tilted my head slightly, screwed up my eyes and hummed loudly to myself to make myself seem smart as i pondered the answer, i then excused myself and ran home in terror, scared witless by the hard cold walls of my own ignorance.

i say again, i am not a man of science.

i am, however, a man of words, the arts and fantasy. i put aside the tedious mental problem of how to go about travelling time and instead concentrated instead on the what. . .what i would do if i had the God-like capacity to bend space/time to my will. here my list:

SEE A DINOSAUR:

this is pretty innocent i think. i think you'd be hard pressed to find a grown nerd who wouldn't want to see a real live dinosaur. i know, sure as shit, that i would. i'd be all like;

'hello mister dinosaur how are you today? would you like some of whatever it is that you eat?'

that would lull the big dino into a false sense of security then BAM! i would . . . 

KILL A DINOSAUR:

I'd be the first person ever to kill a dinosaur. I'd be all like:

'oh nooo! what a deppressing and totally unforseeable consequence of time travel! oh well, hmmmm instead of just burying this dinosaur and wasting it perhaps there's something i can do that would be more ecologically positive...'

which would be my cue to . . .

EAT A DINOSAUR:

why? why? because YUM! that's why.

seriously though, i can't be the only person that'se ever wanted to eat a dinosaur.

I am?  

oh. 

anywho, my preferred method of consumption would be in a cheeseburger format and after that fantastic meal i would then proceed to . . .

STEAL ALL DA GOLD:

i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to steal all of the worlds gold, i'm sure if your reading this your familiar with the concept of money (unless YOUR a time traveller too from the distant past). i would be the richest person ever. i would hide all of the gold in special hiding places then come back to now and spend it on useless shit i dont need and cocaine. alot of cocaine. not because i like drugs or anything but because its a rich people drug and being rich, it would be expected of me.

VISIT AMERICAN APPAREL:

I would come here to buy a golden tracksuit, you know the type i mean. all tight and shiny. 

I'm not including this store as some sort of show of approval or advertising, just cos it's the only place where you could buy a shiny metallic tracksuit. or i guess i could buy one from the eighties or something.

but yeah, after i got my golden tracksuit i would go back to the past and shock all the past people with my sheer golden brilliance, they'd think i was a God and i would tell them that i was. yeeeah.

and then one thing would lead to another . . . 

SLEEP WITH ALLLLL dA WIMMINZ:

again, i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to sleep with women. But how about this for a twist on the original, all of the hottest women in history??? eh? and i wouldn't just stop at movie stars and shit, there are literally  thousands of other women. i would go for historical figures too; Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Boadacea, Marie Antoinette . . . they'd all get visits.

VISIT THE FUTURE, GET LASER GUNS (and if they have them, Gravity Guns)

after impregnating every beautiful woman in history i would go to the future and get lasers and shit. they wouldn't ask me any questions or think i was from the past because i'd still be wearing that golden tracksuit. they'd probably think i was one of them and be all friendly. i think i'd spend a couple of hours in the future and visit a museum to see how history had panned out so far and to see if any of my adventures had shown up on the records. and if they hadn't i would go back and try harder.

COME BACK TO NOW AND DO THIS:

I don't really want to do this, i don't have a grudge against anyone and i don't think of myself as a killer but by this point i would probably go crazy with power and just do it for the hell of it. just to see if i could . . . i would. and there would be nobody capable of stopping me but i think i would run out of hubristic murderous steam after a couple of collapsed buildings, i would give up dramatically. sobbing and crying. i would need a sobering influence, something to calm me down...

SLEEP WITH MO' WIMMINZ (from this time period though):

why? why? because YUM! that's why.
plus im willing to guess all those chicks from the past are kinda stinky.

'Cleopatra babe, your bathing in milk? in the desert? aww hell naww.'

i dont think i could put up with that for too long. . . 

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same? 

Yours,

BEAR

Also, check out this fantastic site. i found alot of images there, it's worth just browsing, it is a visual feast.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL ROBOT

This robot looks cool
I wouldn't mind having a t-shirt with this on it.
But then again its eyes look kind of scary.


CAT
LOVE.

Cat and Bear investigate: JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS

<-----(LOOK! SPANISH SCI-FI! & that alien made me laugh.)

I love books.
I really love books.
Books are lovely.
Books are nice.
Nicer than a lot of things.

Like junk mail.
And really ugly dogs.
And having to get up early.

And mushrooms.

But then I get annoyed a lot. Because often you come across these really disgusting books. I mean, really bad, awful, horrible books. I mean. Like. Books with really bad covers. And books made out of recycled paper (although recycled paper's not actually that bad, since it saves the mass murdering of trees in the Amazon rainforest - it's just that books made out of recycled paper always seem to be a weird off colour brown, and have a dodgy sandy texture, and are kind of seethrough. Yeah.)

Well, what i mean is, you'll pick up a book. First thing that strikes you is the unfashionable, crudely drawn picture of, say, a dog that looks like a cross between a boar and a crocodile. Or, the photgraph of the two headed man with his eyes being torn out. Or, the not very nice picture of a naked woman, posing in such a way as to suggest that you are looking not at the front cover of a book, but at the front cover of a lewd magazine aimed mainly at a pubescent male audience. (And I have actually experienced a time when I desperately wanted to read at least three books - except they all had naked or semi-naked people gracing the front covers.) And you know, it's not nice. I want to pick up a book I can read safely on a bus, without looking like a sadist, or making publicly known my more "exotic" interests.

And it makes you wonder. What the hell were those people at Random House or Penguin or Hodder and other publishing companies thinking? If your one chance to grab someone's attention is the cover, well it makes sense to use something ridiculously eye-catching. But no-one is going to buy it if the cover is so eye-catching, you want to tear your eyes out.

Which is one of those reasons why Science-Fiction so abhors me. Science Fiction books are the worst culprits for this kind of thing. If you don't believe me, check out the Science Fiction department in the library. It's disgusting.

Love, (but no love to sci-fi book cover artists,)
Cat.

(p.s. now i have to find a picture of a sci-fi book cover bad enough to put here.. And also, looking at all those sci-fi covers, i realise i inevitably have to publish a post about sci fi in general.)