Cat and Bear investigate: THE MICHEAL JACKSON-SIZED HOLE IN POPULAR MUSIC

This is the end of an 'AGE' people, an 'ERA', an 'EPOCH'... THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!! Michael Jackson is Dead. and not like Zombie dead, dead dead, like, not able to be rebuilt with plastic. 

the OFFICIAL story is that he died of a Heart Attack, but i know the truth people!! JARVIS COCKER WENT BACK TO FINISH THE JOB!

But on a real, Michael is, sorry . . . WAS the king of Pop, and as such, whenever any Monarch passes away a bitter power struggle rages away in the power vacuum left behind, so as a monument to the undisputed king of pop i have compiled a list of his heirs and their likelihood of being crowned King and taking control of the kingdom of pop. here is my list:

R.KELLY

R.Kelly definetly gets close with the whole Paedophilia thing and general creep factor but falls at the final hurdle by having a waning career and a lyrical back-catalouge that revolves mainly around ass. however i DO think he should do a cover album anyway. lead single: "blame it on the bootie". 

KANYE WEST

Kanye definetly has the Egomania (and, some would say, the talent) to match the Late great King, but alas no sexual preferences (read: bald chicks) that count as truly shocking nowadays. 

BREEZY

hmmmm, maybe if he hadn't backhanded Rihanna, maybe...

WEEZY

i could see Weezy attaining the status, but only if he engages in some serious sexual perversion and avoids the rock music, or maybe a drastic career change is what's needed for the man who embraces all his obstacles head on, he has given himself the prefix 'Little' for God's sake, I'm slightly (emphasis on the slightly) below average height and would simply die if somebody were to even mention my height in passing. so, props to Weezy for embracing his failings and turning them to advantages, i feel probably the only thing standing in his way at the moment is his perceived 'thuggishness' and whether or not the establishment will embrace it or force him to change (that said, we do live in an age where people say 'for real?' on BBC News without ANYBODY batting an eyelid, when that happened i nearly fell off of my chair.)

hmmmmm . . . after examining the candidates, i think that the truth of the matter is, Pop has no more need for a king. like the Tzars' Russia in retaliation for it's selfish and greedy ways, the music industry has had its back broken by us, the little people. how? i hear you ask; with downloads, with trillions and squillions and brazillions of downloads. WE have killed the King of Pop, the kingdom of pop has just become a revolutionary republic, utterly Marxist, totally utilitarian, where all artists are equal. equally broke.

Yours 

BEAR

THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE DOWNLOAD!

Cat and Bear investigate: LAZY PICARD

is everyone a nerd here? you are? good.

you simply will not get this unless you've watched at least five hours of star trek, if you have, well done (i guess) you are now qualified to watch this funny video. Well done.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, i haven't seen the movie yet and probably won't get to see it in cinemas, tis a shame, looks like it would have been good on a huge screen.

Cat and Bear investigate: BEAUTIFUL THINGS

I am currently nursing a broken worldview, and thus, unable to provide my usual 'insightful witticisms' [read: bad jokes]. i have been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised what my life is missing. I have decided that Beauty is a horrifically subjective thing and Art is, ultimately, made only to please the artist and to seek to please others only cheapens your chosen form of expression. 

i have, thus far, had a lovely weekend. spending time with wonderful friends and all without wasting effort or money, which makes me think, perhaps i don't need to put so much effort into life to get what i want out of it. perhaps, in this time of stress and exams, a weekend of simple pleasures and human companionship has shown me that i don't need technology to keep me occupied and seven messenger windows open to feel wanted. i've realised that the only thing that matters is people. real people. in real life. and so, to my announcement:

i am thinking of moving to the desert. who's coming with me?

and also, my current all time favourite saying, provided by a dear, dear friend is - 

'idiot is another word for human.'

Beautiful.

Yours, 

BEAR

also, i am going to buy a melodica. EBAY IS THE SHIT!

Cat and Bear investigate: ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF WARFARE

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

War is a terrible, terrible thing. The wreath of peace is all too often obscured sweeping symbolism of destruction. The present and the past is littered by obscure and meaningless conflict. Sons, Brothers and Fathers marching off to get blown into little meaty chunks. The pain. The hurt. Iain Banks rightly said

"In all the human societies we have ever reviewed, in every age and in every state, there has seldom if ever been a shortage of eager young males prepared to kill and die to preserve the security, comfort and prejudices of their elders,"

So, if War is a defining characteristic of humanity and diplomacy is, well, boring (and much harder to make good thrillers out of) then let us explore differing methods conflict resolution. Here is a list of what i believe to be suitable alternatives:

DANCE-OFFS:

WHY???? Because A) look at how much fun they're all having, and B) the stakes aren't that high, they're all laughing sure but there is a definite edge of competition and C) I'd much rather lose a dance battle and be the butt of gentle jokes and mockery than lose at war and lose my legs. i like my legs.

CATFIGHTS:

seriously though, I'm sure you've all seen the crazy nationalism that goes hand in hand with competitions like the Miss World Beauty Pageant. if we could somehow start some dialogue with politicians and the pageant organizers to discuss ways to stage physical fights between the respective winners of each country to settle disputes between countries then I'm sure it would dramatically lower the number of worldwide deaths from conflict.

ASSAULT COURSES:

Now whilst the Dance Offs and Cat Fights are athletic (and sexy...) there's a certain lack of militarism, they are definitely not activities lots of people could participate in. Comedic assault courses however are mass activities. so you could definitely justify keeping the army.

POLITICIAN FIGHTS:

Or you could scrap the army altogether (saving billions on national defense) and just have the politicians themselves fight over their meaningless quotidian trivialities - this fight was over plans to build a road. here are some of Mexico's finest battering each other over a virtual nothing. if only all politicians were so dedicated to their jobs.

Yours, 

BEAR

Also, Iain Banks is a badman author, you should read all of his books, also so is Cordwainer Smith . . . and Olaf Stapledon. Geniuses, one and all. Wiki their names and buy their books.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

.........

......

...

.

Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate : LA ROUX

What's with everyone's obsession with La Roux?

I love her hair, and she's got a really nice voice, but does anyone else think The Redhead's songs are kind of repetitive? Like I'll get into a song for the first thirty seconds, but then the der-der-der synthness in the background just goes on too much, and I can't explain it, but I just feel the songs don;t really go anywhere and just circle round and round.

& i feel that she's only getting listened to because NME is telling people to.

CAT

LOVE.

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION no.2!

It's time to lower the tone around here. Cat was making it all cerebral and whatnot.

I got some good feeback from my last 'Self-Hospitalization' post so here's number two: This ones a little more grisly (pun definetly intended!) than the last one, but the obvious and shocking injury the man sustains is hilariously counterpointed by his adorable accent, drunken commentary, shocking lack of judgement and his cut-short catcall of 'YEEEEEEEE-' [HAAA] 

a little more research into this video reveals that this guy is called 'Captain Video' (great name, is it too late to change the name of the blog?) and he was doing jackass-style 'stunts' on american cable television in, like, the eighties. very impressive and forward thinking. 

i enjoy writing about people hurting themselves by accident, theres something poetic about the fact that they also managed to catch it on camera. i plan to do many many more posts like this, don't let me down World. keep acting stupid and providing me with me shit to write about.

Yours,

BEAR

also, i utterly utterly disagree with Cat's last post. Sci-Fi is the BEST. if you don't appreciate Sci-Fi there's something very WRONG with you. 

Cat and Bear investigate: THE FUTURE OF ONE GEORGE W. BUSH

There is a 'W' shaped hole in my life.

It goes without saying that November the 4th 2008 was a good day for the world but it was also a terrible terrible day for comedy. As the days Post-W pass without calamity i find myself inadvertently missing the cheeky smile, the fumbling hands, the misplaced confidence and, of course, the charming and numerous bush-isms. 

YES he bum-raped the economy, YES he is responsible for like 800,000 dead people, YES he ran the world like a two dimensional saturday morning cartoon villain but in spite of all this (or perhaps because of it) I miss him.

Maybe i miss being able to blame someone for just how shitty the world is sometimes, that seems most likely and would explain people's random hostility towards Obama when he has yet to do anything spectacularly bad. 

I doubt george bush ever intended to be so evil and i think if he apologised to the world most people would be willing to forgive. the question that now hangs over him however is 'what to do with all the spare time?' i have a novel solution to this dilemma. i propose ol' George Jr becomes a television talk show host. it doesn't even need to be on a big channel, it could just be on a youtube channel. in fact that would be far more convenient then everybody could watch, I'm sure he would have lots of guests, lots of people would want to talk to him. even if he doesn't become a talk show host he should at least go on some talk shows. i would still watch. I also think he would make a fine stand up.

and so i close by saying 'Come Back George, but not to any position of power or influence, Come Back!'

Yours,

BEAR

did you know: the 'W' stands for Walker. WTF? also, check out Ukraine's PM, kinda alright eh?