Cat and Bear investigate: CITIES ARE DISGUSTING!

Cities are disgusting. 

Wretched hives of scum and villainy, governed and designed by imagination-less, shortsighted Morons and infested with idiots, it is little wonder that, far from being the wondrous marble and silver gilded utopias promised by olden days sci-fi, our cities are in reality colossal conurbations of concrete crap-tasticulacrity. Normally, at this point, i would vomit forth a detailed and vitriolic list replete with appropriate and comical pictures. And today is no different, BEHOLD my list of aggravating problems and their overly-idealistic solutions!

CARS

Cars are horrible. Buses are barely better and Vans, pshaw, don't get me started on Vans (not the trainers though, they're grrrreat!). It is fair to say that almost all of my grievances with cities have something to do with cars. Indeed when one fully weighs up the pro's and con's of the personal automobile it is easy to see that they are ultimately an impractical and selfish mode of transport. they are responsible for urban sprawl, air and sound pollution and they kill the rainforest. if you own a car you are killing the rainforest. why do you hate the rainforest?

My Solution:

bicycles for all. most people laugh when i tell them this but i'm absolutely serious.

my imaginary government scheme works like this: a family trades in their car and each member recieves a bicycle. all cars are scrapped to provide the materials required to make bicycles for whole country, the bicycle industry booms and millions of jobs are created, pollutuion levels drop drastically as do obesity levels (cos everyone has to pedal up hills). the result of my plan; an ultra fit and healthy Britain. 

Cities have been built around Cars for decades now, it's one of the reasons cities are often so unnecessarily sprawl-y and big, once we do away with cars cities will be able to hold more people and things, they will be able to grow inwards, taking up the space once given over solely to cars (e.g. roads and parking lots). public transport networks will be solidified for movement between cities and some motor-ways will have to still be maintained but other than for industry all automobiles will go. can you imagine how much quieter it will be?

EDIT: someone mentioned the lack of water-proofing offered by bicycles. so in conjunction with a bicycle every person would receive also a top of the line raincoat to keep them dry and a jumper to keep them warm.

OIL

I'm sure your not an idiot (hey, your reading this blog and that's a pretty solid indicator of intelligence) but even if you were an idiot you'd know about the crippling cost of Oil and our crippling dependency upon it. i could ramble on about the ramifications of using russian and middle eastern oil and energy, the precariousness of the whole situation and how bad it all is but i know that other people can do that better and that's not why you come here, so instead i do what i do best and tell you about ...

My Solution:

Wind Farms, EVERYWHERE.

I'm not just on about out in the countryside and crap. oh hell no, I'm on about wind-farms EVERYWHERE. on top of every house, built into the sides of skyscrapers, EVERYWHERE. in my plans every single spot that has even a slight breeze will have a couple of wind turbines  nearby. "But what about the Canadian Geese?" i hear you cry, "What about them?" i bark back, in my personal utopia (which is what i'm describing btw) i would have teams of people employed to scan the bases of wind farms to look for remains of geese ... TO EAT! yeah, you heard me. i want to eat Canadian Geese, what did you think i was joking when i said i wanted to eat as many different types of animal as possible? I was for real. obviously it's not windy all the time so i would also pour money into researching methods to increase the efficiency of solar panels and ways to tap geothermal energy.

PIGEONS AND RATS

By far and away the most disgusting aspect of urban dwelling is having to see vermin. for too long has man suffered the nips and bites of rodents and rodent-like birds. i'm sure you don't need me to tell you why these creatures are disgusting. so here i offer . . . 

My Solution:

Air rifles for all.

That is my list, there are a couple of problems i didn't touch (such as Garbage, Sewage etc) but my excuse is that these problems are already being tackled on some level or they are too depressing to talk about but if you think i've missed something really obvious, or you disagree with me then i challenge you! i'm calling all the naysayers out! if you disagree, put up or shut up! i wanna hear what you think in the comments section. or not. whatever.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, just telling y'all that my world exclusive interview with Mr. Dogshit is coming right up very soon. and, um, Picture wise this is probably the most disgusting post i've ever written, and so i apologise if i have made anyone borrf or, even worse, if i have dissuaded you from eating. 

Cat and Bear investigate: ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES WHILST TRAVELING THROUGH TIME

A Scientist, I am not. far from it. i can not even legitimately call myself a man of science since my level of qualification extends to a C in GCSE and whatever i have most recently read on Wikipedia. despite my shallow scientific knowledge I, being of a literary disposition and thus knowing a great deal of unnecessary unnecessarily long words, am often mistaken for a someone with an intimate knowledge of the cosmos and its workings. i was asked by a friend about the possibility of and requirements for time travel. i, of course, did not know the answer but i tilted my head slightly, screwed up my eyes and hummed loudly to myself to make myself seem smart as i pondered the answer, i then excused myself and ran home in terror, scared witless by the hard cold walls of my own ignorance.

i say again, i am not a man of science.

i am, however, a man of words, the arts and fantasy. i put aside the tedious mental problem of how to go about travelling time and instead concentrated instead on the what. . .what i would do if i had the God-like capacity to bend space/time to my will. here my list:

SEE A DINOSAUR:

this is pretty innocent i think. i think you'd be hard pressed to find a grown nerd who wouldn't want to see a real live dinosaur. i know, sure as shit, that i would. i'd be all like;

'hello mister dinosaur how are you today? would you like some of whatever it is that you eat?'

that would lull the big dino into a false sense of security then BAM! i would . . . 

KILL A DINOSAUR:

I'd be the first person ever to kill a dinosaur. I'd be all like:

'oh nooo! what a deppressing and totally unforseeable consequence of time travel! oh well, hmmmm instead of just burying this dinosaur and wasting it perhaps there's something i can do that would be more ecologically positive...'

which would be my cue to . . .

EAT A DINOSAUR:

why? why? because YUM! that's why.

seriously though, i can't be the only person that'se ever wanted to eat a dinosaur.

I am?  

oh. 

anywho, my preferred method of consumption would be in a cheeseburger format and after that fantastic meal i would then proceed to . . .

STEAL ALL DA GOLD:

i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to steal all of the worlds gold, i'm sure if your reading this your familiar with the concept of money (unless YOUR a time traveller too from the distant past). i would be the richest person ever. i would hide all of the gold in special hiding places then come back to now and spend it on useless shit i dont need and cocaine. alot of cocaine. not because i like drugs or anything but because its a rich people drug and being rich, it would be expected of me.

VISIT AMERICAN APPAREL:

I would come here to buy a golden tracksuit, you know the type i mean. all tight and shiny. 

I'm not including this store as some sort of show of approval or advertising, just cos it's the only place where you could buy a shiny metallic tracksuit. or i guess i could buy one from the eighties or something.

but yeah, after i got my golden tracksuit i would go back to the past and shock all the past people with my sheer golden brilliance, they'd think i was a God and i would tell them that i was. yeeeah.

and then one thing would lead to another . . . 

SLEEP WITH ALLLLL dA WIMMINZ:

again, i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to sleep with women. But how about this for a twist on the original, all of the hottest women in history??? eh? and i wouldn't just stop at movie stars and shit, there are literally  thousands of other women. i would go for historical figures too; Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Boadacea, Marie Antoinette . . . they'd all get visits.

VISIT THE FUTURE, GET LASER GUNS (and if they have them, Gravity Guns)

after impregnating every beautiful woman in history i would go to the future and get lasers and shit. they wouldn't ask me any questions or think i was from the past because i'd still be wearing that golden tracksuit. they'd probably think i was one of them and be all friendly. i think i'd spend a couple of hours in the future and visit a museum to see how history had panned out so far and to see if any of my adventures had shown up on the records. and if they hadn't i would go back and try harder.

COME BACK TO NOW AND DO THIS:

I don't really want to do this, i don't have a grudge against anyone and i don't think of myself as a killer but by this point i would probably go crazy with power and just do it for the hell of it. just to see if i could . . . i would. and there would be nobody capable of stopping me but i think i would run out of hubristic murderous steam after a couple of collapsed buildings, i would give up dramatically. sobbing and crying. i would need a sobering influence, something to calm me down...

SLEEP WITH MO' WIMMINZ (from this time period though):

why? why? because YUM! that's why.
plus im willing to guess all those chicks from the past are kinda stinky.

'Cleopatra babe, your bathing in milk? in the desert? aww hell naww.'

i dont think i could put up with that for too long. . . 

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same? 

Yours,

BEAR

Also, check out this fantastic site. i found alot of images there, it's worth just browsing, it is a visual feast.