Cat and Bear investigate: THE MICHEAL JACKSON-SIZED HOLE IN POPULAR MUSIC

This is the end of an 'AGE' people, an 'ERA', an 'EPOCH'... THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!! Michael Jackson is Dead. and not like Zombie dead, dead dead, like, not able to be rebuilt with plastic. 

the OFFICIAL story is that he died of a Heart Attack, but i know the truth people!! JARVIS COCKER WENT BACK TO FINISH THE JOB!

But on a real, Michael is, sorry . . . WAS the king of Pop, and as such, whenever any Monarch passes away a bitter power struggle rages away in the power vacuum left behind, so as a monument to the undisputed king of pop i have compiled a list of his heirs and their likelihood of being crowned King and taking control of the kingdom of pop. here is my list:

R.KELLY

R.Kelly definetly gets close with the whole Paedophilia thing and general creep factor but falls at the final hurdle by having a waning career and a lyrical back-catalouge that revolves mainly around ass. however i DO think he should do a cover album anyway. lead single: "blame it on the bootie". 

KANYE WEST

Kanye definetly has the Egomania (and, some would say, the talent) to match the Late great King, but alas no sexual preferences (read: bald chicks) that count as truly shocking nowadays. 

BREEZY

hmmmm, maybe if he hadn't backhanded Rihanna, maybe...

WEEZY

i could see Weezy attaining the status, but only if he engages in some serious sexual perversion and avoids the rock music, or maybe a drastic career change is what's needed for the man who embraces all his obstacles head on, he has given himself the prefix 'Little' for God's sake, I'm slightly (emphasis on the slightly) below average height and would simply die if somebody were to even mention my height in passing. so, props to Weezy for embracing his failings and turning them to advantages, i feel probably the only thing standing in his way at the moment is his perceived 'thuggishness' and whether or not the establishment will embrace it or force him to change (that said, we do live in an age where people say 'for real?' on BBC News without ANYBODY batting an eyelid, when that happened i nearly fell off of my chair.)

hmmmmm . . . after examining the candidates, i think that the truth of the matter is, Pop has no more need for a king. like the Tzars' Russia in retaliation for it's selfish and greedy ways, the music industry has had its back broken by us, the little people. how? i hear you ask; with downloads, with trillions and squillions and brazillions of downloads. WE have killed the King of Pop, the kingdom of pop has just become a revolutionary republic, utterly Marxist, totally utilitarian, where all artists are equal. equally broke.

Yours 

BEAR

THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE DOWNLOAD!

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

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Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.