Cat and Bear investigate: ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF WARFARE

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

War is a terrible, terrible thing. The wreath of peace is all too often obscured sweeping symbolism of destruction. The present and the past is littered by obscure and meaningless conflict. Sons, Brothers and Fathers marching off to get blown into little meaty chunks. The pain. The hurt. Iain Banks rightly said

"In all the human societies we have ever reviewed, in every age and in every state, there has seldom if ever been a shortage of eager young males prepared to kill and die to preserve the security, comfort and prejudices of their elders,"

So, if War is a defining characteristic of humanity and diplomacy is, well, boring (and much harder to make good thrillers out of) then let us explore differing methods conflict resolution. Here is a list of what i believe to be suitable alternatives:

DANCE-OFFS:

WHY???? Because A) look at how much fun they're all having, and B) the stakes aren't that high, they're all laughing sure but there is a definite edge of competition and C) I'd much rather lose a dance battle and be the butt of gentle jokes and mockery than lose at war and lose my legs. i like my legs.

CATFIGHTS:

seriously though, I'm sure you've all seen the crazy nationalism that goes hand in hand with competitions like the Miss World Beauty Pageant. if we could somehow start some dialogue with politicians and the pageant organizers to discuss ways to stage physical fights between the respective winners of each country to settle disputes between countries then I'm sure it would dramatically lower the number of worldwide deaths from conflict.

ASSAULT COURSES:

Now whilst the Dance Offs and Cat Fights are athletic (and sexy...) there's a certain lack of militarism, they are definitely not activities lots of people could participate in. Comedic assault courses however are mass activities. so you could definitely justify keeping the army.

POLITICIAN FIGHTS:

Or you could scrap the army altogether (saving billions on national defense) and just have the politicians themselves fight over their meaningless quotidian trivialities - this fight was over plans to build a road. here are some of Mexico's finest battering each other over a virtual nothing. if only all politicians were so dedicated to their jobs.

Yours, 

BEAR

Also, Iain Banks is a badman author, you should read all of his books, also so is Cordwainer Smith . . . and Olaf Stapledon. Geniuses, one and all. Wiki their names and buy their books.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

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Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION no.2!

It's time to lower the tone around here. Cat was making it all cerebral and whatnot.

I got some good feeback from my last 'Self-Hospitalization' post so here's number two: This ones a little more grisly (pun definetly intended!) than the last one, but the obvious and shocking injury the man sustains is hilariously counterpointed by his adorable accent, drunken commentary, shocking lack of judgement and his cut-short catcall of 'YEEEEEEEE-' [HAAA] 

a little more research into this video reveals that this guy is called 'Captain Video' (great name, is it too late to change the name of the blog?) and he was doing jackass-style 'stunts' on american cable television in, like, the eighties. very impressive and forward thinking. 

i enjoy writing about people hurting themselves by accident, theres something poetic about the fact that they also managed to catch it on camera. i plan to do many many more posts like this, don't let me down World. keep acting stupid and providing me with me shit to write about.

Yours,

BEAR

also, i utterly utterly disagree with Cat's last post. Sci-Fi is the BEST. if you don't appreciate Sci-Fi there's something very WRONG with you. 

Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION

This video is the best EVER. No matter what i say, between now and eternity THIS video will hold the number one spot in my heart. I will never love another video as i have loved this one. It is a perfect demonstration of mans hubris. I love this video so much that in the far, far future when all the humans and bears and cats are gone and there is nothing on earth save endless desert and rubbish tip, i want this video to be sent into space so that all other races of intelligent beings may learn from the mistakes of Earth.

Yours,

BEAR

also, where and when were those pants EVER fashionably acceptable?