Cat and Bear investigate: CITIES ARE DISGUSTING!

Cities are disgusting. 

Wretched hives of scum and villainy, governed and designed by imagination-less, shortsighted Morons and infested with idiots, it is little wonder that, far from being the wondrous marble and silver gilded utopias promised by olden days sci-fi, our cities are in reality colossal conurbations of concrete crap-tasticulacrity. Normally, at this point, i would vomit forth a detailed and vitriolic list replete with appropriate and comical pictures. And today is no different, BEHOLD my list of aggravating problems and their overly-idealistic solutions!

CARS

Cars are horrible. Buses are barely better and Vans, pshaw, don't get me started on Vans (not the trainers though, they're grrrreat!). It is fair to say that almost all of my grievances with cities have something to do with cars. Indeed when one fully weighs up the pro's and con's of the personal automobile it is easy to see that they are ultimately an impractical and selfish mode of transport. they are responsible for urban sprawl, air and sound pollution and they kill the rainforest. if you own a car you are killing the rainforest. why do you hate the rainforest?

My Solution:

bicycles for all. most people laugh when i tell them this but i'm absolutely serious.

my imaginary government scheme works like this: a family trades in their car and each member recieves a bicycle. all cars are scrapped to provide the materials required to make bicycles for whole country, the bicycle industry booms and millions of jobs are created, pollutuion levels drop drastically as do obesity levels (cos everyone has to pedal up hills). the result of my plan; an ultra fit and healthy Britain. 

Cities have been built around Cars for decades now, it's one of the reasons cities are often so unnecessarily sprawl-y and big, once we do away with cars cities will be able to hold more people and things, they will be able to grow inwards, taking up the space once given over solely to cars (e.g. roads and parking lots). public transport networks will be solidified for movement between cities and some motor-ways will have to still be maintained but other than for industry all automobiles will go. can you imagine how much quieter it will be?

EDIT: someone mentioned the lack of water-proofing offered by bicycles. so in conjunction with a bicycle every person would receive also a top of the line raincoat to keep them dry and a jumper to keep them warm.

OIL

I'm sure your not an idiot (hey, your reading this blog and that's a pretty solid indicator of intelligence) but even if you were an idiot you'd know about the crippling cost of Oil and our crippling dependency upon it. i could ramble on about the ramifications of using russian and middle eastern oil and energy, the precariousness of the whole situation and how bad it all is but i know that other people can do that better and that's not why you come here, so instead i do what i do best and tell you about ...

My Solution:

Wind Farms, EVERYWHERE.

I'm not just on about out in the countryside and crap. oh hell no, I'm on about wind-farms EVERYWHERE. on top of every house, built into the sides of skyscrapers, EVERYWHERE. in my plans every single spot that has even a slight breeze will have a couple of wind turbines  nearby. "But what about the Canadian Geese?" i hear you cry, "What about them?" i bark back, in my personal utopia (which is what i'm describing btw) i would have teams of people employed to scan the bases of wind farms to look for remains of geese ... TO EAT! yeah, you heard me. i want to eat Canadian Geese, what did you think i was joking when i said i wanted to eat as many different types of animal as possible? I was for real. obviously it's not windy all the time so i would also pour money into researching methods to increase the efficiency of solar panels and ways to tap geothermal energy.

PIGEONS AND RATS

By far and away the most disgusting aspect of urban dwelling is having to see vermin. for too long has man suffered the nips and bites of rodents and rodent-like birds. i'm sure you don't need me to tell you why these creatures are disgusting. so here i offer . . . 

My Solution:

Air rifles for all.

That is my list, there are a couple of problems i didn't touch (such as Garbage, Sewage etc) but my excuse is that these problems are already being tackled on some level or they are too depressing to talk about but if you think i've missed something really obvious, or you disagree with me then i challenge you! i'm calling all the naysayers out! if you disagree, put up or shut up! i wanna hear what you think in the comments section. or not. whatever.

Yours,

BEAR

Also, just telling y'all that my world exclusive interview with Mr. Dogshit is coming right up very soon. and, um, Picture wise this is probably the most disgusting post i've ever written, and so i apologise if i have made anyone borrf or, even worse, if i have dissuaded you from eating. 

Cat and Bear investigate: OLD PEOPLE

This woman is now OLD!!!

Obviously, no one really ever wants to grow old, BUT it comes to us all. even I, at the sprightly young age of eighteen, have managed to find a completely white hair just growing out of my face ... at complete random. at first i was taken aback, shocked, surprised, even a little elated. i thought i had pure silver coming out of me and i was some kind of latter day Golden Goose. BUT THEN the horror washed over me like some colossal tidal wave of cold tea (that's what old people drink, right?) and i realised that, from here on in, it was only downhill. my body had reached its biological peak and would only crumble and wither away from this point. this shocking reminder of my own mortality got me to pondering on the nature of death and it's warm up act, old age.

i feel most sorry for women. men seem to get a lucky break when it comes to aging and seem only to look better as time marches on (look at Al Pacino, he's still a straight up player, never been married and still humping away despite the fact that he is more wrinkly than an elephant's bollock) 

when i look at the above picture i can't help but feel a twinge of sorrow, it chills my heart to know that that woman is no longer hot (and every hot chick will one day be old), and whilst i think we all know we're going to die one day and are comfortable with it, I wonder how many of us actually know we're going to be old one day and can accept it. I wonder how many of us are even consciously aware of the fact that in forty years time we will hate every song in the top 40, despise every actor, complain about the present by lying about how great everthing was in the 'Noughties' was and be as out of touch with the world as a satellite with a broken radio antennae and look like shit?

hmmmmm . . . 

Yours,

BEAR

also, how great would it be if we could circumvent the whole problem of aging by placing our brains in robots? i would volunteer for that operation, that's how committed i am to making this vision a reality. ladies and gentlemen, i have a dream . . .

Cat and Bear investigate: BEAUTIFUL THINGS

I am currently nursing a broken worldview, and thus, unable to provide my usual 'insightful witticisms' [read: bad jokes]. i have been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised what my life is missing. I have decided that Beauty is a horrifically subjective thing and Art is, ultimately, made only to please the artist and to seek to please others only cheapens your chosen form of expression. 

i have, thus far, had a lovely weekend. spending time with wonderful friends and all without wasting effort or money, which makes me think, perhaps i don't need to put so much effort into life to get what i want out of it. perhaps, in this time of stress and exams, a weekend of simple pleasures and human companionship has shown me that i don't need technology to keep me occupied and seven messenger windows open to feel wanted. i've realised that the only thing that matters is people. real people. in real life. and so, to my announcement:

i am thinking of moving to the desert. who's coming with me?

and also, my current all time favourite saying, provided by a dear, dear friend is - 

'idiot is another word for human.'

Beautiful.

Yours, 

BEAR

also, i am going to buy a melodica. EBAY IS THE SHIT!

Cat and Bear investigate: BIRTHDAYS

Birthdays are always weird and slightly depressing. Especially if you remember how terrible last year's birthday was, and therefore you try your very hardest to make this years as much unlike last year's as possible. And then you're successful, but the general rule is, that if you had a great birthday last year, the next one will be shit. This year's the shit year, so my only consolation is that next year's will have to be amazing. Because otherwise that's not fair to have two bad birthdays in a row..........

Birthdays also mean that you're growing older, and I don't particularly want to grow older, because it takes too long, and then afterwards it feels like it goes too fast. And anyway, they only like you when you're seventeen; when you're twenty one, you're no fun, according to Ladytron. So.. in another three years, my life will have finished its course and will completely lack meaning....

What else to complain about? Oh yeah, seventeen is the nothing year. Sweet sixteen is nice, because it means wahey, you're half way through teenagehood, and eighteen is nice, because it's a giant milestone and everything, but then seventeen is just like the weird No Man's Land/ purgatory/waiting room place in between. Eurgh.

Also, another bad thing about seventeen: for cats, seventeen is about eighty in human years. This may be my last blog. Hum.

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

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...

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Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: FACEBOOK

Have you ever lived beside really noisy neighbours? (stick with me, i'm going somewhere with this)

In the daytime they don't seem to be bad people; they are courteous enough to say hello when you pass them in the street, all of their children are polite and whilst you may have never invited each other into your respective houses there is a sense of mutual respect solid enough to warrant the lending of a cup of sugar in a time of need.

BUT when the earth rolls about 'pon its axis and nighttime comes to greet us a hideous change takes place within the well-meaning and mild-mannered household next door. despite their cordial public nature they suddenly transform into loud shouty bastards with souls as black as ice on asphalt, participating in insane screaming matches and the throwing of crockery. the pressure of staying civil throughout the day is obviously too much for this poor family, and so, to stay sane they must broadcast all of their most shocking and bizarre secrets, thoughts and prejudices at the very top of their voices to half of the street. 

the first time this happens you resolve to confront someone ... anyone from the family about their shocking behaviour, walking back from the newsagents you bump into the mother of the brood almost by accident, she is a small woman, barely five foot tall, and scrawny. you confront her, not rudely (for you have prepared for the possibility of marriage breakdown or mental illness), asking why she was so loud last night. she stares at you with empty blue eyes and swears she knows not of what you speak, you press further for answers but are met only with claims of ignorance and innocence but she apologises nonetheless and assures you that whatever you heard will not be heard again. shaken and with a look of shame she scuttles off down the street not looking back, you feel like a bad person but are glad that you have had an answer (of sorts) and have resolved the situation.

that night she screams at her husband and children with such intensity as to shake books loose from the nearest shelf and to make the vase on the table vibrate sonorously like a tuning fork...

have you ever lived beside people like this?

to me this is exactly what facebook is like.

no lie, alot of the people in my friends list aren't really friends at all. in fact, my 'friends' break down into something like this:

as you can see the majority of my friends are utter strangers that i know only by name. facebook is a wonderful thing, in its original context it takes advantage of the most beautiful things about the internet; its ability to bring people together. by its very design facebook is a visually sterile tool for networking. BUT for some reason people post and say things that are clearly meant for a small amount number of very close friends. when it boils own to it my real gripe with facebook is people putting such personal things on facebook that i feel like a voyeur when my eyes slip over it on my newsfeed. Whatever it is, I really really don't want to know, so please for the sake of all mankind, think before you post. 

because . . . 

i don't care about your views on social reform and the credit crunch.

i don't want to know i don't want to know if you just got dumped. 

i don't want to know if you think your dangerously close to suicide

i don't need to know if your pregnant and scared.

so yeah, to reiterate, THINK BEFORE YOU POST.

thank you and goodnight.

yours,

BEAR

for those who are still at a loss as to what Facebook is really for, allow XKCD to educate you. oh, and i am planning a post on how to retaliate against loud neighbours that shall be posted very soon. 

Cat and Bear investigate: AMERICANIZATION

Well.

Even Bear has started saying “pants” instead of trousers [check last blog] and it is a subject matter that worries me.

Also people who spell colour as "color" and centre as "center" are just wrong.

And Ronald Mcdonald has always freaked me out, especially when they gave him a 21st century makeover so that he looked more digital and wore rollerskates, to prove that Mcdonald's is still down with the kids AND it promotes fitness.

I suggest you read Jpod by Douglas Coupland; it confronts the issue of Ronald Mcdonald, amongst other things, in a very effective and humourous way.

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& Wow. Google images is fun.

cat.