Cat and Bear investigate: ANIMALS I WOULD LIKE TO EAT

food is the best. it really is. i really enjoy eating. so much so that if technology existed that could circumvent the digestive process as means of nourishment i would eschew it and eat like the savages of old. put shortly, I LOVE FOOD. i enjoy eating all types of food, even bad food, because it reminds me to be thankful for when i am eating good food. of all the foodstuffs available to me, i especially enjoy eating meat. Beef, Tuna, Lamb, Chicken, Duck, Rabbit . . . it's all good. 

I consider myself an adventurous man, unafraid of trying new things and so sometimes . . . sometimes i find myself hungering for meats other than that which can be found on the shelves of our local Tesco. sometimes i want to eat animals that no one else has really eaten before, the last time i visited an aquarium i found myself yearning to try every fish in every glass case. so until i earn enough money to buy steaks of the world's rarest and juiciest animals (or until i learn the skills necessary to steal the animals from their respective protective enclosures and Zoos) I may only dream, and so here is a list of animals that i dream of eating:

PANDA

Pandas are universally renowned as God's laziest children. descended from the same ancestors as the mighty Grizzly and Polar Bears, Pandas (perhaps knocked into apathy by the stunning achievements of their cousins) have decided to slack off monumentally and become, dare i say it, Herbivores! These insults to nature as so lazy that they cannot even bring themselves to mate with each other and affirm the fate of their species. it is as if each individual is aware of the pathetic worthlessness of their existence, it's like they don't want to exist! 

THEY'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING US TO EAT THEM!

preferred method of consumption:

Stir-Fried, in honour of their Chinese heritage.

ELEPHANTS

Elephants have this great wise old man mystique about them. they're like owls in that respect i guess (wouldn't like to eat an owl though, not enough meat on it). but anyways, Despite the fact they look like wrinkly old bollocks, i've always wondered what a big fat juicy steak of Dumbo would taste like. I imagine, if elephant meat was legal, it would be ridonkulously expensive, which only adds to the illicit allure. There's also something very 'Super-Villain' about eating such a beloved creature, something that has definetly made me want to eat it more. Elephants never forget and i'll never forget the great, great taste of Elephant!

preferred method of consumption:

A big fat juicy steak, cooked by a coked up celebrity chef in the finest restaurant of all London. served with truffles, caviar and eaten with Ivory cutlery.

ANACONDA

Any animal that is 'terrifying' enough to have had three movies made in its honour (one featuring Jennifer Lopez, no less) is deserving of a place in my belly. I'm into recycling and crap too and i notice that the Anaconda also has very shiny beautiful skin (as you can see in the picture above) which would make an excellent hat or pair of trousers.

preferred method of consumption:

Soup-of-Anaconda

MONKEY
Why? because YUM! that's why! 

also, because it's the closest i can get to people without being officially declared evil or a cannibal. there are a couple of options here for consumption here i could go for a chilled monkey brains indiana jones style, or i could go down the alliteration route and enjoy some minced monkey meatballs. 

preferred method of consumption:

fried whole. in batter.

Why? because YUM! that's why! Monkey is a pretty broad term encompassing many thousands of different species...

but there's only one species i want. those little guys in the picture above, i'll dip em in syrup, roll em in breadcrumbs and toss em in the deep fat fryer.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same? 

YOURS,

BEAR

also, check out this site. sexual comedy? BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Cat and Bear investigate: OLD PEOPLE

This woman is now OLD!!!

Obviously, no one really ever wants to grow old, BUT it comes to us all. even I, at the sprightly young age of eighteen, have managed to find a completely white hair just growing out of my face ... at complete random. at first i was taken aback, shocked, surprised, even a little elated. i thought i had pure silver coming out of me and i was some kind of latter day Golden Goose. BUT THEN the horror washed over me like some colossal tidal wave of cold tea (that's what old people drink, right?) and i realised that, from here on in, it was only downhill. my body had reached its biological peak and would only crumble and wither away from this point. this shocking reminder of my own mortality got me to pondering on the nature of death and it's warm up act, old age.

i feel most sorry for women. men seem to get a lucky break when it comes to aging and seem only to look better as time marches on (look at Al Pacino, he's still a straight up player, never been married and still humping away despite the fact that he is more wrinkly than an elephant's bollock) 

when i look at the above picture i can't help but feel a twinge of sorrow, it chills my heart to know that that woman is no longer hot (and every hot chick will one day be old), and whilst i think we all know we're going to die one day and are comfortable with it, I wonder how many of us actually know we're going to be old one day and can accept it. I wonder how many of us are even consciously aware of the fact that in forty years time we will hate every song in the top 40, despise every actor, complain about the present by lying about how great everthing was in the 'Noughties' was and be as out of touch with the world as a satellite with a broken radio antennae and look like shit?

hmmmmm . . . 

Yours,

BEAR

also, how great would it be if we could circumvent the whole problem of aging by placing our brains in robots? i would volunteer for that operation, that's how committed i am to making this vision a reality. ladies and gentlemen, i have a dream . . .

Cat and Bear investigate: BEAUTIFUL THINGS

I am currently nursing a broken worldview, and thus, unable to provide my usual 'insightful witticisms' [read: bad jokes]. i have been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised what my life is missing. I have decided that Beauty is a horrifically subjective thing and Art is, ultimately, made only to please the artist and to seek to please others only cheapens your chosen form of expression. 

i have, thus far, had a lovely weekend. spending time with wonderful friends and all without wasting effort or money, which makes me think, perhaps i don't need to put so much effort into life to get what i want out of it. perhaps, in this time of stress and exams, a weekend of simple pleasures and human companionship has shown me that i don't need technology to keep me occupied and seven messenger windows open to feel wanted. i've realised that the only thing that matters is people. real people. in real life. and so, to my announcement:

i am thinking of moving to the desert. who's coming with me?

and also, my current all time favourite saying, provided by a dear, dear friend is - 

'idiot is another word for human.'

Beautiful.

Yours, 

BEAR

also, i am going to buy a melodica. EBAY IS THE SHIT!

Cat and Bear investigate: ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF WARFARE

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

War is a terrible, terrible thing. The wreath of peace is all too often obscured sweeping symbolism of destruction. The present and the past is littered by obscure and meaningless conflict. Sons, Brothers and Fathers marching off to get blown into little meaty chunks. The pain. The hurt. Iain Banks rightly said

"In all the human societies we have ever reviewed, in every age and in every state, there has seldom if ever been a shortage of eager young males prepared to kill and die to preserve the security, comfort and prejudices of their elders,"

So, if War is a defining characteristic of humanity and diplomacy is, well, boring (and much harder to make good thrillers out of) then let us explore differing methods conflict resolution. Here is a list of what i believe to be suitable alternatives:

DANCE-OFFS:

WHY???? Because A) look at how much fun they're all having, and B) the stakes aren't that high, they're all laughing sure but there is a definite edge of competition and C) I'd much rather lose a dance battle and be the butt of gentle jokes and mockery than lose at war and lose my legs. i like my legs.

CATFIGHTS:

seriously though, I'm sure you've all seen the crazy nationalism that goes hand in hand with competitions like the Miss World Beauty Pageant. if we could somehow start some dialogue with politicians and the pageant organizers to discuss ways to stage physical fights between the respective winners of each country to settle disputes between countries then I'm sure it would dramatically lower the number of worldwide deaths from conflict.

ASSAULT COURSES:

Now whilst the Dance Offs and Cat Fights are athletic (and sexy...) there's a certain lack of militarism, they are definitely not activities lots of people could participate in. Comedic assault courses however are mass activities. so you could definitely justify keeping the army.

POLITICIAN FIGHTS:

Or you could scrap the army altogether (saving billions on national defense) and just have the politicians themselves fight over their meaningless quotidian trivialities - this fight was over plans to build a road. here are some of Mexico's finest battering each other over a virtual nothing. if only all politicians were so dedicated to their jobs.

Yours, 

BEAR

Also, Iain Banks is a badman author, you should read all of his books, also so is Cordwainer Smith . . . and Olaf Stapledon. Geniuses, one and all. Wiki their names and buy their books.

Cat and Bear investigate: BIRTHDAYS

Birthdays are always weird and slightly depressing. Especially if you remember how terrible last year's birthday was, and therefore you try your very hardest to make this years as much unlike last year's as possible. And then you're successful, but the general rule is, that if you had a great birthday last year, the next one will be shit. This year's the shit year, so my only consolation is that next year's will have to be amazing. Because otherwise that's not fair to have two bad birthdays in a row..........

Birthdays also mean that you're growing older, and I don't particularly want to grow older, because it takes too long, and then afterwards it feels like it goes too fast. And anyway, they only like you when you're seventeen; when you're twenty one, you're no fun, according to Ladytron. So.. in another three years, my life will have finished its course and will completely lack meaning....

What else to complain about? Oh yeah, seventeen is the nothing year. Sweet sixteen is nice, because it means wahey, you're half way through teenagehood, and eighteen is nice, because it's a giant milestone and everything, but then seventeen is just like the weird No Man's Land/ purgatory/waiting room place in between. Eurgh.

Also, another bad thing about seventeen: for cats, seventeen is about eighty in human years. This may be my last blog. Hum.

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: SUPERMARKETS

The subject of supermarkets came to my attention today.

Mainly because upon opening my Metro newspaper on the bus this morning, i encountered a giant advertisement for Marks and Spencers, which said that from tomorrow, to celebrate their 125th birthday, they will be selling things from a stall for :

1p.

It's quite shocking how this recession deep depression thingy has made all supermarkets so desperately desperate and paranoid that they are going to lose customers that, not only have they resorted to supreme bitchiness (ie."look! we have 12 baskets cheaper than ASDA!") but they have also gone down the route of, yes, selling things for 1p.

go chekc out marks and spencers tomorrow if you dont believe me! my mummy is.


FISHY.
CAT.
LOVE.
........

(p.s M&S, not that this is a bad idea or anything, it's actually a good idea that you're selling cufflinks and what-not for a penny, because im the one who is saving money.
But i bet that Sainsburys will come out with a similar scheme next week.)

Cat and Bear investigate: JIM CARREY

I don't really care what anyone says. but, yO..

JIM CARREY IS THE BEST.

i think he's so good that even his non-comedy movies are good. seriously though, i was planning to say more but i don't think i need to, i don't think there's anything more to say.

Yours,

BEAR