Cat and Bear investigate: IMPRESSIVE INTERNET SELF-HOSPITALIZATION no.2!

It's time to lower the tone around here. Cat was making it all cerebral and whatnot.

I got some good feeback from my last 'Self-Hospitalization' post so here's number two: This ones a little more grisly (pun definetly intended!) than the last one, but the obvious and shocking injury the man sustains is hilariously counterpointed by his adorable accent, drunken commentary, shocking lack of judgement and his cut-short catcall of 'YEEEEEEEE-' [HAAA] 

a little more research into this video reveals that this guy is called 'Captain Video' (great name, is it too late to change the name of the blog?) and he was doing jackass-style 'stunts' on american cable television in, like, the eighties. very impressive and forward thinking. 

i enjoy writing about people hurting themselves by accident, theres something poetic about the fact that they also managed to catch it on camera. i plan to do many many more posts like this, don't let me down World. keep acting stupid and providing me with me shit to write about.

Yours,

BEAR

also, i utterly utterly disagree with Cat's last post. Sci-Fi is the BEST. if you don't appreciate Sci-Fi there's something very WRONG with you. 

Cat and Bear investigate: JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS

<-----(LOOK! SPANISH SCI-FI! & that alien made me laugh.)

I love books.
I really love books.
Books are lovely.
Books are nice.
Nicer than a lot of things.

Like junk mail.
And really ugly dogs.
And having to get up early.

And mushrooms.

But then I get annoyed a lot. Because often you come across these really disgusting books. I mean, really bad, awful, horrible books. I mean. Like. Books with really bad covers. And books made out of recycled paper (although recycled paper's not actually that bad, since it saves the mass murdering of trees in the Amazon rainforest - it's just that books made out of recycled paper always seem to be a weird off colour brown, and have a dodgy sandy texture, and are kind of seethrough. Yeah.)

Well, what i mean is, you'll pick up a book. First thing that strikes you is the unfashionable, crudely drawn picture of, say, a dog that looks like a cross between a boar and a crocodile. Or, the photgraph of the two headed man with his eyes being torn out. Or, the not very nice picture of a naked woman, posing in such a way as to suggest that you are looking not at the front cover of a book, but at the front cover of a lewd magazine aimed mainly at a pubescent male audience. (And I have actually experienced a time when I desperately wanted to read at least three books - except they all had naked or semi-naked people gracing the front covers.) And you know, it's not nice. I want to pick up a book I can read safely on a bus, without looking like a sadist, or making publicly known my more "exotic" interests.

And it makes you wonder. What the hell were those people at Random House or Penguin or Hodder and other publishing companies thinking? If your one chance to grab someone's attention is the cover, well it makes sense to use something ridiculously eye-catching. But no-one is going to buy it if the cover is so eye-catching, you want to tear your eyes out.

Which is one of those reasons why Science-Fiction so abhors me. Science Fiction books are the worst culprits for this kind of thing. If you don't believe me, check out the Science Fiction department in the library. It's disgusting.

Love, (but no love to sci-fi book cover artists,)
Cat.

(p.s. now i have to find a picture of a sci-fi book cover bad enough to put here.. And also, looking at all those sci-fi covers, i realise i inevitably have to publish a post about sci fi in general.)

Cat and Bear investigate: FACEBOOK

Have you ever lived beside really noisy neighbours? (stick with me, i'm going somewhere with this)

In the daytime they don't seem to be bad people; they are courteous enough to say hello when you pass them in the street, all of their children are polite and whilst you may have never invited each other into your respective houses there is a sense of mutual respect solid enough to warrant the lending of a cup of sugar in a time of need.

BUT when the earth rolls about 'pon its axis and nighttime comes to greet us a hideous change takes place within the well-meaning and mild-mannered household next door. despite their cordial public nature they suddenly transform into loud shouty bastards with souls as black as ice on asphalt, participating in insane screaming matches and the throwing of crockery. the pressure of staying civil throughout the day is obviously too much for this poor family, and so, to stay sane they must broadcast all of their most shocking and bizarre secrets, thoughts and prejudices at the very top of their voices to half of the street. 

the first time this happens you resolve to confront someone ... anyone from the family about their shocking behaviour, walking back from the newsagents you bump into the mother of the brood almost by accident, she is a small woman, barely five foot tall, and scrawny. you confront her, not rudely (for you have prepared for the possibility of marriage breakdown or mental illness), asking why she was so loud last night. she stares at you with empty blue eyes and swears she knows not of what you speak, you press further for answers but are met only with claims of ignorance and innocence but she apologises nonetheless and assures you that whatever you heard will not be heard again. shaken and with a look of shame she scuttles off down the street not looking back, you feel like a bad person but are glad that you have had an answer (of sorts) and have resolved the situation.

that night she screams at her husband and children with such intensity as to shake books loose from the nearest shelf and to make the vase on the table vibrate sonorously like a tuning fork...

have you ever lived beside people like this?

to me this is exactly what facebook is like.

no lie, alot of the people in my friends list aren't really friends at all. in fact, my 'friends' break down into something like this:

as you can see the majority of my friends are utter strangers that i know only by name. facebook is a wonderful thing, in its original context it takes advantage of the most beautiful things about the internet; its ability to bring people together. by its very design facebook is a visually sterile tool for networking. BUT for some reason people post and say things that are clearly meant for a small amount number of very close friends. when it boils own to it my real gripe with facebook is people putting such personal things on facebook that i feel like a voyeur when my eyes slip over it on my newsfeed. Whatever it is, I really really don't want to know, so please for the sake of all mankind, think before you post. 

because . . . 

i don't care about your views on social reform and the credit crunch.

i don't want to know i don't want to know if you just got dumped. 

i don't want to know if you think your dangerously close to suicide

i don't need to know if your pregnant and scared.

so yeah, to reiterate, THINK BEFORE YOU POST.

thank you and goodnight.

yours,

BEAR

for those who are still at a loss as to what Facebook is really for, allow XKCD to educate you. oh, and i am planning a post on how to retaliate against loud neighbours that shall be posted very soon. 

Cat and Bear investigate: THE FUTURE OF ONE GEORGE W. BUSH

There is a 'W' shaped hole in my life.

It goes without saying that November the 4th 2008 was a good day for the world but it was also a terrible terrible day for comedy. As the days Post-W pass without calamity i find myself inadvertently missing the cheeky smile, the fumbling hands, the misplaced confidence and, of course, the charming and numerous bush-isms. 

YES he bum-raped the economy, YES he is responsible for like 800,000 dead people, YES he ran the world like a two dimensional saturday morning cartoon villain but in spite of all this (or perhaps because of it) I miss him.

Maybe i miss being able to blame someone for just how shitty the world is sometimes, that seems most likely and would explain people's random hostility towards Obama when he has yet to do anything spectacularly bad. 

I doubt george bush ever intended to be so evil and i think if he apologised to the world most people would be willing to forgive. the question that now hangs over him however is 'what to do with all the spare time?' i have a novel solution to this dilemma. i propose ol' George Jr becomes a television talk show host. it doesn't even need to be on a big channel, it could just be on a youtube channel. in fact that would be far more convenient then everybody could watch, I'm sure he would have lots of guests, lots of people would want to talk to him. even if he doesn't become a talk show host he should at least go on some talk shows. i would still watch. I also think he would make a fine stand up.

and so i close by saying 'Come Back George, but not to any position of power or influence, Come Back!'

Yours,

BEAR

did you know: the 'W' stands for Walker. WTF? also, check out Ukraine's PM, kinda alright eh?

Cat and Bear investigate: GREAT GORILLAZ DOCUMENTARY STREAMING FREE NOW

If your anything like me you have good taste in music. if you have good taste in music odds are you own a CD by Gorillaz. The first CD i ever bought was by Gorillaz, Ah memories. 

There's a fantastic new documentary called 'Bananaz' that follows Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett around from the beginning through the peaks and troughs, from the first concept sketches to the sell out shows in Harlem's Apollo Theatre. to the credit of all involved it achieves everything a good documentary should, showcasing the creative genius and skewed humour of Hewlett and Albarn. best of all the documentary makes you feel as though you, the viewer, has achieved something, been part of it all.

I couldn't recommend it more.

even if you don't like Gorillaz (or good music, I'm looking at you Cat) It's great just to hear their charming, chirpy little cockney accents slagging off all in vicinity. something for everyone.

CHECK IT OUT NOW BEFORE IT GETS TAKEN DOWN

Yours,

BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: TOP THREE MUSICIANS I LOVE THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER HEARD OF

I like music, i really do. I like music so much that when i download leaked songs i always make sure i buy the album no matter how terrible it ends up being (i'm looking at you Asher Roth's first album). I like music so much that i am seriously considering investing in vinyl, a technology that hasn't been relevant for decades. thats how much i like music. 

so, motivated by digital guilt and a genuine sense of respect, i have been inspired to use this site to educate the World (i.e. all two of the people who regularly read this site) of the artists i love and that i think you should love too. 

3. CADENCE WEAPON

i'm really dissapointed in Cadence Weapon at the moment, when he came out he had this crazy, never-heard-before, dystopian IDM/Hip Hop sound going on and, to my young ears, it sounded like the future, i assured everyone i knew that they would be listening to him by next year.

It's a sad fact of life but sometimes we all buy into the newest happening fad in a desperate effort to look cool, in the spirit of transparency i'll admit that i once bought a pair of skinny jeans only to throw them away a week later when a friend told me just how stupid i looked in them, but i'll admit it. Sure, i looked silly, lost alot of credibility and probably irrevocably damaged my sperm producing abilities but at least i knew the fashion didn't suit me and I walked away. I saw sense in time and realised i wasn't designed for skinny jeans.

Cadence Weapon on the other hand obviously spent the time between 'Breaking Kayfabe' and 'After Party Babies' listening to alot of Grime music, M.I.A and Justice and decided that he could do that too, and better! Cadence discarded his wonderfully subtle and verbose method of lyrical delivery and production replacing it with obnoxious shouty dance rap. 

Cadence Weapon managed to make the switch from hyper-intelligent super underground king to a perpetually out of breath party boy doing a bad impression of Jammer and hamming it up badly enough to make even Uffie embarrassed. Dude needs to get back to some BPMs that he can handle ASAP and leave the party rap to people that still get invited to parties.

yeah you cross your fingers Boyo! you need all the luck you can get.

2. FLYING LOTUS

i feel silly cos i spent so long talking about Cadence Weapon and now i have little to say about the others, they're doing so well. i don't hate Cadence, i just feel as though the right encouragement might give him the proper incentive to fufill his true potential. . . 

TRY HARDER GOD DAMMIT!

My biggest regret of the last six months was missing Flying Lotus when he came to my city. Flying Lotus is a bona fide genius. he delivered a damn near flawless album in 'Los Angeles'; a shimmering, cohesive and utterly brazen trip through some crazy dubby, echoey world that only Flying Lotus knows the way to and back from.

i tell everyone i meet about Flying Lotus, one day i'll meet someone who knows what I'm talking about without mistaking me for a zealous hindu looking for souls to convert, and they will engage me in wonderful conversation and we will fall in love (if said person happens to be a woman.)

all of which leads me wonderfully onto the subject of . . . 

1. NIKKI MINAJ

Nikki Minaj is great, and not just because she looks like she stepped straight out of my fevered sexual psyche, Nikki Minaj is great because when she raps she still manages to sound feminine, and to me thats really important. really, really important. because if your going to be a better rapper than me i'd appreciate it if you sounded like a girl too. 

Yours,

BEAR 

in hindsight, perhaps i was a little harsh on poor old Cadence Weapon. i feel kind of bad especially after all the love i showed the other two. NO, you've got to be cruel to be kind. EARN MY LOVE CADENCE, EAAAAAARN IT!!!

Cat and Bear investigate: AMERICANIZATION

Well.

Even Bear has started saying “pants” instead of trousers [check last blog] and it is a subject matter that worries me.

Also people who spell colour as "color" and centre as "center" are just wrong.

And Ronald Mcdonald has always freaked me out, especially when they gave him a 21st century makeover so that he looked more digital and wore rollerskates, to prove that Mcdonald's is still down with the kids AND it promotes fitness.

I suggest you read Jpod by Douglas Coupland; it confronts the issue of Ronald Mcdonald, amongst other things, in a very effective and humourous way.

....................

& Wow. Google images is fun.

cat.