Cat and Bear investigate: ANIMALS I WOULD LIKE TO EAT

food is the best. it really is. i really enjoy eating. so much so that if technology existed that could circumvent the digestive process as means of nourishment i would eschew it and eat like the savages of old. put shortly, I LOVE FOOD. i enjoy eating all types of food, even bad food, because it reminds me to be thankful for when i am eating good food. of all the foodstuffs available to me, i especially enjoy eating meat. Beef, Tuna, Lamb, Chicken, Duck, Rabbit . . . it's all good. 

I consider myself an adventurous man, unafraid of trying new things and so sometimes . . . sometimes i find myself hungering for meats other than that which can be found on the shelves of our local Tesco. sometimes i want to eat animals that no one else has really eaten before, the last time i visited an aquarium i found myself yearning to try every fish in every glass case. so until i earn enough money to buy steaks of the world's rarest and juiciest animals (or until i learn the skills necessary to steal the animals from their respective protective enclosures and Zoos) I may only dream, and so here is a list of animals that i dream of eating:

PANDA

Pandas are universally renowned as God's laziest children. descended from the same ancestors as the mighty Grizzly and Polar Bears, Pandas (perhaps knocked into apathy by the stunning achievements of their cousins) have decided to slack off monumentally and become, dare i say it, Herbivores! These insults to nature as so lazy that they cannot even bring themselves to mate with each other and affirm the fate of their species. it is as if each individual is aware of the pathetic worthlessness of their existence, it's like they don't want to exist! 

THEY'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING US TO EAT THEM!

preferred method of consumption:

Stir-Fried, in honour of their Chinese heritage.

ELEPHANTS

Elephants have this great wise old man mystique about them. they're like owls in that respect i guess (wouldn't like to eat an owl though, not enough meat on it). but anyways, Despite the fact they look like wrinkly old bollocks, i've always wondered what a big fat juicy steak of Dumbo would taste like. I imagine, if elephant meat was legal, it would be ridonkulously expensive, which only adds to the illicit allure. There's also something very 'Super-Villain' about eating such a beloved creature, something that has definetly made me want to eat it more. Elephants never forget and i'll never forget the great, great taste of Elephant!

preferred method of consumption:

A big fat juicy steak, cooked by a coked up celebrity chef in the finest restaurant of all London. served with truffles, caviar and eaten with Ivory cutlery.

ANACONDA

Any animal that is 'terrifying' enough to have had three movies made in its honour (one featuring Jennifer Lopez, no less) is deserving of a place in my belly. I'm into recycling and crap too and i notice that the Anaconda also has very shiny beautiful skin (as you can see in the picture above) which would make an excellent hat or pair of trousers.

preferred method of consumption:

Soup-of-Anaconda

MONKEY
Why? because YUM! that's why! 

also, because it's the closest i can get to people without being officially declared evil or a cannibal. there are a couple of options here for consumption here i could go for a chilled monkey brains indiana jones style, or i could go down the alliteration route and enjoy some minced monkey meatballs. 

preferred method of consumption:

fried whole. in batter.

Why? because YUM! that's why! Monkey is a pretty broad term encompassing many thousands of different species...

but there's only one species i want. those little guys in the picture above, i'll dip em in syrup, roll em in breadcrumbs and toss em in the deep fat fryer.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same? 

YOURS,

BEAR

also, check out this site. sexual comedy? BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Cat and Bear investigate: OLD PEOPLE

This woman is now OLD!!!

Obviously, no one really ever wants to grow old, BUT it comes to us all. even I, at the sprightly young age of eighteen, have managed to find a completely white hair just growing out of my face ... at complete random. at first i was taken aback, shocked, surprised, even a little elated. i thought i had pure silver coming out of me and i was some kind of latter day Golden Goose. BUT THEN the horror washed over me like some colossal tidal wave of cold tea (that's what old people drink, right?) and i realised that, from here on in, it was only downhill. my body had reached its biological peak and would only crumble and wither away from this point. this shocking reminder of my own mortality got me to pondering on the nature of death and it's warm up act, old age.

i feel most sorry for women. men seem to get a lucky break when it comes to aging and seem only to look better as time marches on (look at Al Pacino, he's still a straight up player, never been married and still humping away despite the fact that he is more wrinkly than an elephant's bollock) 

when i look at the above picture i can't help but feel a twinge of sorrow, it chills my heart to know that that woman is no longer hot (and every hot chick will one day be old), and whilst i think we all know we're going to die one day and are comfortable with it, I wonder how many of us actually know we're going to be old one day and can accept it. I wonder how many of us are even consciously aware of the fact that in forty years time we will hate every song in the top 40, despise every actor, complain about the present by lying about how great everthing was in the 'Noughties' was and be as out of touch with the world as a satellite with a broken radio antennae and look like shit?

hmmmmm . . . 

Yours,

BEAR

also, how great would it be if we could circumvent the whole problem of aging by placing our brains in robots? i would volunteer for that operation, that's how committed i am to making this vision a reality. ladies and gentlemen, i have a dream . . .

Cat and Bear investigate: BEAUTIFUL THINGS

I am currently nursing a broken worldview, and thus, unable to provide my usual 'insightful witticisms' [read: bad jokes]. i have been doing a lot of thinking. I've realised what my life is missing. I have decided that Beauty is a horrifically subjective thing and Art is, ultimately, made only to please the artist and to seek to please others only cheapens your chosen form of expression. 

i have, thus far, had a lovely weekend. spending time with wonderful friends and all without wasting effort or money, which makes me think, perhaps i don't need to put so much effort into life to get what i want out of it. perhaps, in this time of stress and exams, a weekend of simple pleasures and human companionship has shown me that i don't need technology to keep me occupied and seven messenger windows open to feel wanted. i've realised that the only thing that matters is people. real people. in real life. and so, to my announcement:

i am thinking of moving to the desert. who's coming with me?

and also, my current all time favourite saying, provided by a dear, dear friend is - 

'idiot is another word for human.'

Beautiful.

Yours, 

BEAR

also, i am going to buy a melodica. EBAY IS THE SHIT!

Cat and Bear investigate: ALTERNATIVE MEANS OF WARFARE

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

War is a terrible, terrible thing. The wreath of peace is all too often obscured sweeping symbolism of destruction. The present and the past is littered by obscure and meaningless conflict. Sons, Brothers and Fathers marching off to get blown into little meaty chunks. The pain. The hurt. Iain Banks rightly said

"In all the human societies we have ever reviewed, in every age and in every state, there has seldom if ever been a shortage of eager young males prepared to kill and die to preserve the security, comfort and prejudices of their elders,"

So, if War is a defining characteristic of humanity and diplomacy is, well, boring (and much harder to make good thrillers out of) then let us explore differing methods conflict resolution. Here is a list of what i believe to be suitable alternatives:

DANCE-OFFS:

WHY???? Because A) look at how much fun they're all having, and B) the stakes aren't that high, they're all laughing sure but there is a definite edge of competition and C) I'd much rather lose a dance battle and be the butt of gentle jokes and mockery than lose at war and lose my legs. i like my legs.

CATFIGHTS:

seriously though, I'm sure you've all seen the crazy nationalism that goes hand in hand with competitions like the Miss World Beauty Pageant. if we could somehow start some dialogue with politicians and the pageant organizers to discuss ways to stage physical fights between the respective winners of each country to settle disputes between countries then I'm sure it would dramatically lower the number of worldwide deaths from conflict.

ASSAULT COURSES:

Now whilst the Dance Offs and Cat Fights are athletic (and sexy...) there's a certain lack of militarism, they are definitely not activities lots of people could participate in. Comedic assault courses however are mass activities. so you could definitely justify keeping the army.

POLITICIAN FIGHTS:

Or you could scrap the army altogether (saving billions on national defense) and just have the politicians themselves fight over their meaningless quotidian trivialities - this fight was over plans to build a road. here are some of Mexico's finest battering each other over a virtual nothing. if only all politicians were so dedicated to their jobs.

Yours, 

BEAR

Also, Iain Banks is a badman author, you should read all of his books, also so is Cordwainer Smith . . . and Olaf Stapledon. Geniuses, one and all. Wiki their names and buy their books.

Cat and Bear investigate: BIRTHDAYS

Birthdays are always weird and slightly depressing. Especially if you remember how terrible last year's birthday was, and therefore you try your very hardest to make this years as much unlike last year's as possible. And then you're successful, but the general rule is, that if you had a great birthday last year, the next one will be shit. This year's the shit year, so my only consolation is that next year's will have to be amazing. Because otherwise that's not fair to have two bad birthdays in a row..........

Birthdays also mean that you're growing older, and I don't particularly want to grow older, because it takes too long, and then afterwards it feels like it goes too fast. And anyway, they only like you when you're seventeen; when you're twenty one, you're no fun, according to Ladytron. So.. in another three years, my life will have finished its course and will completely lack meaning....

What else to complain about? Oh yeah, seventeen is the nothing year. Sweet sixteen is nice, because it means wahey, you're half way through teenagehood, and eighteen is nice, because it's a giant milestone and everything, but then seventeen is just like the weird No Man's Land/ purgatory/waiting room place in between. Eurgh.

Also, another bad thing about seventeen: for cats, seventeen is about eighty in human years. This may be my last blog. Hum.

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: SUPERMARKETS

The subject of supermarkets came to my attention today.

Mainly because upon opening my Metro newspaper on the bus this morning, i encountered a giant advertisement for Marks and Spencers, which said that from tomorrow, to celebrate their 125th birthday, they will be selling things from a stall for :

1p.

It's quite shocking how this recession deep depression thingy has made all supermarkets so desperately desperate and paranoid that they are going to lose customers that, not only have they resorted to supreme bitchiness (ie."look! we have 12 baskets cheaper than ASDA!") but they have also gone down the route of, yes, selling things for 1p.

go chekc out marks and spencers tomorrow if you dont believe me! my mummy is.


FISHY.
CAT.
LOVE.
........

(p.s M&S, not that this is a bad idea or anything, it's actually a good idea that you're selling cufflinks and what-not for a penny, because im the one who is saving money.
But i bet that Sainsburys will come out with a similar scheme next week.)

Cat and Bear investigate: JIM CARREY

I don't really care what anyone says. but, yO..

JIM CARREY IS THE BEST.

i think he's so good that even his non-comedy movies are good. seriously though, i was planning to say more but i don't think i need to, i don't think there's anything more to say.

Yours,

BEAR

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL WAYS TO DIE

(blissfully unaware tourist, enjoying his last meal)---->

.........

......

...

.

Here, artfully constructed by yours truly, a list of cool ways to leave the world with a bang. These methods are guaranteed to make you world famous. Or, alternatively, slightly well-known in your local area for a couple of days, and then never heard of ever again once the following fish-influenza epidemic steals your headline space.

GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

This idea jumps out foremost, mainly because as i write (or type?) there is a loud and flashy thunderstorm taking place on the other side of the window... And also, it would be rather comical. I would be happily strolling along in the park, just for fun, as you do, and then I'd decide to fly a kite in the middle of a frantic and gigantic storm, and .....well, needless to say, the police officials will find my burnt up corpse after phone calls about the odd smell of barbecue coming from the park............&, well, who dies by lightning? I'd be famous. If people can still recognise my face, that is.

LIGHT SABRE BATTLE.

I don't like Star Wars that much, but it would be a very dignified way to die. And, Obi Wan Kenobi if came back again later as a hologram ghost thing, then why not I?

EATEN BY A DINOSAUR.

I owe this one to my feline friend McGovil Wesley-Bongul, who himself harbours a deep, deep desire to have his head chomped on by a T-Rex. He has already ordered a gravestone engraved with a personalized inscription, depicting in detail his favoured style of leaving Earth, should his ultimate dream come true. I give this method 9/10. Minus one because it would be rather messy.

SHOT BY AN ARROW.

Robin Hood style. And people would think that you were just wearing one of those joke comedy hats, oh, but you aren't..

TURNED INTO CAT FOOD.

As a domestic kitty, with access to the great wonder that is the Internet, I could safely speak up as a representative for all other household cats and complain about the mundaneness of modern supermarket catfood. We would be a lot happier, and therefore ruin expensive armchairs and sofas less often, if we were offered a wider range of flavours in our daily meals. A odd arm or leg every now and again will suffice, if a whole corpse cannot be substituted.

FINAL DESTINATION SEQUENCE.

Because of the hilarious aspect, and it would be fun to watch. If not film, and make the trilogy into a quartet or something. And we can see how many hits it gets from Youtube in the first week. It would be highly interesting to construct too.

DEATH BY DICTIONARY.

In which the overload of vocabulary in one's brain condemns him to a doomed death, and the unfortunate victim spouts out interesting variations on the english language before he/she pops it. Actually, it wouldn't be that cool, but it would of course, be an interesting phenomenon, and you would be renowned through the ages for having such an absurd death.

DREAM DEFICIENCY.

Because if you don't dream, it's bad for you, and it means that your priorities in life are mainly centred around the joys of office work, and observing trains, and collecting rare varieties of dung-beetle. and again, not that much of a cool death, but you would be a good example to all those other people who think it's a good idea to commit themselves to robotically bleak administration work.

shall i add more?

nah i could go on for ages ....

CAT.

Cat and Bear investigate: 15/05/09

Some observations:

1) the word "Philidelphia" looks kind of similar to the word "Paedophilia."

2) i don't like examining body people, (the ones who make sure you don;t cheat during exams) because they always have extremely distracting loud clacky shoes when they walk, and also i don;t like the way they look over your shoulder and breathe down your neck. Or, if it's a male examiner, i suspect, looking down your top. I also dislike the fact that they all sport furry moustaches, the women included, but that's just a general dislike, because moustaches are just weird in the first place.

3) Everyone seems to like stroking my notebook, but i hope that that's just because it has a really nice perforated texture.

4) All the options i took for A level direct me straight into the direction of Law, which disgusts me somewhat.

5) If you buy doughnuts, you HAVE to eat them the day you bought them, and not leave them in the larder for three days, because it ruins them, as I have discovered today.

6) Last year everyone loved Gok Wan and thought he was God, but this year everyone seems to hate the hell out of him and says that he deserves to die a painful death (something that involves him being impaled repeatedly by stilletto shoes.) I agree with the latter idea.

7) The expression "taking the piss out of someone" conjures up strange images. Therefore i feel slightly odd using the phrase.

8) A friend yesterday observed in a comicbook, the use of the phrase "as i was typing," as opposed to the phrase "as i was writing." The incidence of the present tense verb: "typing" instead of "writing" sparked off an interesting conversation exploring the possibility that in the near future, the profession of "writer" will be replaced by the profession of "typer" or "typist."

9) The picture above has nothing to do with this post, but it's just that i was listening to Royksopp today and i like the image, even if that album was inadequate.

That is all.

Love your furry feline friend/mate/chum/pal/soulmate/BFF,

CAT.

.............

Cat and Bear investigate: SWORDFISH

I got really excited today because we were having swordfish for dinner, and because I’m a cat and i like seafood, especially odd sounding seafood, I was kind of looking forward to it. But then I got disappointed because it turned out to be kind of ordinary and unappealing, like a slab of white slightly watery fishyness. And the taste was all mashed-up; somewhere in between chicken and tuna fish. I didn’t finish it because I was so upset.

Apparently, according to many people, everything weird tastes like chicken. Crocodile tastes like chicken. Snake tastes like chicken. Rabbit tastes like chicken. I’ve not tried any of those, but if you’ve tried those and haven’t tried swordfish yet, well, you ought to know that swordfish also goes into the category of weird-food-that-tastes-like-chicken, and so isn’t really worth trying, since we all know what chicken tastes like.

Maybe because my mum made swordfish with soy sauce and spring onions, Chinese style, it didn’t really work.
Maybe if she'd made this instead? :

Paprika Swordfish with Kiwi and Chorizo Salsa recipe

ingredients
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

2 tbsp hot smoked paprika

4 swordfish steaks

100 g chorizo, cut into 1 cm dice

6 kiwi fruits, peeled and cut into 1 cm dice

2 tbsp fruttato Sardinian extra virgin olive oil

method1. In a bowl combine together the olive oil and paprika, rub liberally onto the swordfish steaks and put to one side to marinate while making the salsa. 2. Place a frying pan over a moderate heat and cook the chorizo for 3-4 minutes, then stir in the kiwi. 3. Heat a griddle pan or frying pan and cook the swordfish for 2-3 minutes on each side. 4. Transfer to serving plates, top with the salsa, drizzle over some olive oil and serve.

If you make any, please give feedback on whether or not kiwi and swordfish is a sane combination..

Love

Cat.

(p.s although that photograph is advertising swordfish in a postivie way. it looks yummy there)

Cat and Bear investigate: ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES WHILST TRAVELING THROUGH TIME

A Scientist, I am not. far from it. i can not even legitimately call myself a man of science since my level of qualification extends to a C in GCSE and whatever i have most recently read on Wikipedia. despite my shallow scientific knowledge I, being of a literary disposition and thus knowing a great deal of unnecessary unnecessarily long words, am often mistaken for a someone with an intimate knowledge of the cosmos and its workings. i was asked by a friend about the possibility of and requirements for time travel. i, of course, did not know the answer but i tilted my head slightly, screwed up my eyes and hummed loudly to myself to make myself seem smart as i pondered the answer, i then excused myself and ran home in terror, scared witless by the hard cold walls of my own ignorance.

i say again, i am not a man of science.

i am, however, a man of words, the arts and fantasy. i put aside the tedious mental problem of how to go about travelling time and instead concentrated instead on the what. . .what i would do if i had the God-like capacity to bend space/time to my will. here my list:

SEE A DINOSAUR:

this is pretty innocent i think. i think you'd be hard pressed to find a grown nerd who wouldn't want to see a real live dinosaur. i know, sure as shit, that i would. i'd be all like;

'hello mister dinosaur how are you today? would you like some of whatever it is that you eat?'

that would lull the big dino into a false sense of security then BAM! i would . . . 

KILL A DINOSAUR:

I'd be the first person ever to kill a dinosaur. I'd be all like:

'oh nooo! what a deppressing and totally unforseeable consequence of time travel! oh well, hmmmm instead of just burying this dinosaur and wasting it perhaps there's something i can do that would be more ecologically positive...'

which would be my cue to . . .

EAT A DINOSAUR:

why? why? because YUM! that's why.

seriously though, i can't be the only person that'se ever wanted to eat a dinosaur.

I am?  

oh. 

anywho, my preferred method of consumption would be in a cheeseburger format and after that fantastic meal i would then proceed to . . .

STEAL ALL DA GOLD:

i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to steal all of the worlds gold, i'm sure if your reading this your familiar with the concept of money (unless YOUR a time traveller too from the distant past). i would be the richest person ever. i would hide all of the gold in special hiding places then come back to now and spend it on useless shit i dont need and cocaine. alot of cocaine. not because i like drugs or anything but because its a rich people drug and being rich, it would be expected of me.

VISIT AMERICAN APPAREL:

I would come here to buy a golden tracksuit, you know the type i mean. all tight and shiny. 

I'm not including this store as some sort of show of approval or advertising, just cos it's the only place where you could buy a shiny metallic tracksuit. or i guess i could buy one from the eighties or something.

but yeah, after i got my golden tracksuit i would go back to the past and shock all the past people with my sheer golden brilliance, they'd think i was a God and i would tell them that i was. yeeeah.

and then one thing would lead to another . . . 

SLEEP WITH ALLLLL dA WIMMINZ:

again, i don't feel as though i need to explain my motivation for wanting to sleep with women. But how about this for a twist on the original, all of the hottest women in history??? eh? and i wouldn't just stop at movie stars and shit, there are literally  thousands of other women. i would go for historical figures too; Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Boadacea, Marie Antoinette . . . they'd all get visits.

VISIT THE FUTURE, GET LASER GUNS (and if they have them, Gravity Guns)

after impregnating every beautiful woman in history i would go to the future and get lasers and shit. they wouldn't ask me any questions or think i was from the past because i'd still be wearing that golden tracksuit. they'd probably think i was one of them and be all friendly. i think i'd spend a couple of hours in the future and visit a museum to see how history had panned out so far and to see if any of my adventures had shown up on the records. and if they hadn't i would go back and try harder.

COME BACK TO NOW AND DO THIS:

I don't really want to do this, i don't have a grudge against anyone and i don't think of myself as a killer but by this point i would probably go crazy with power and just do it for the hell of it. just to see if i could . . . i would. and there would be nobody capable of stopping me but i think i would run out of hubristic murderous steam after a couple of collapsed buildings, i would give up dramatically. sobbing and crying. i would need a sobering influence, something to calm me down...

SLEEP WITH MO' WIMMINZ (from this time period though):

why? why? because YUM! that's why.
plus im willing to guess all those chicks from the past are kinda stinky.

'Cleopatra babe, your bathing in milk? in the desert? aww hell naww.'

i dont think i could put up with that for too long. . . 

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY LIST!

You may disagree with my choices. You may think that i am horrible, you may even think that i am evil. i probably am. but ask yourself this, if you had the power would you not do the same? 

Yours,

BEAR

Also, check out this fantastic site. i found alot of images there, it's worth just browsing, it is a visual feast.

Cat and Bear investigate : LA ROUX

What's with everyone's obsession with La Roux?

I love her hair, and she's got a really nice voice, but does anyone else think The Redhead's songs are kind of repetitive? Like I'll get into a song for the first thirty seconds, but then the der-der-der synthness in the background just goes on too much, and I can't explain it, but I just feel the songs don;t really go anywhere and just circle round and round.

& i feel that she's only getting listened to because NME is telling people to.

CAT

LOVE.

Cat and Bear investigate: COOL ROBOT

This robot looks cool
I wouldn't mind having a t-shirt with this on it.
But then again its eyes look kind of scary.


CAT
LOVE.